Slate

The following story has been submitted to the 2009 Slate short story competition.

It cracks me up every time I watch the cooking channel, and there’s some crazy BBQ contest winner gloating over his secret recipe. Some guy will go on and on about a dry rub that’s been passed on to him by his grandma, or another will be standing next to a smoker the size of a mac truck, but I know what’s what. Any recipe can be deconstructed to reveal its secret, and any guy with a smoker is compensating for something less in his life. 

What these cooks won’t divulge is what I’ve learned through practiced hands, glazing thousands of pounds of ribs and chicken in search of the perfect bite. Perfection is achieved when you create the exact ratio of sauce to meat. What cooks don’t understand about the science of taste is made up by relying on dry rubs and smokers. But they always fail. 

So when Aunt Mae passed on and left me this unassuming brush – this brush that I had seen her apply to Sunday dinner BBQs when I was growing up – I knew I had magic. Its ability to absorb sauce and then apply a consistent layer onto the meat is without equal. 

Each application of sauce is, in a word, perfect, making each bite that you take, sublime. 

There’s never been another one like it and it’s a shame not to keep it in the family. But you know how it is with kids these days: always wanting store-bought shiny things, even though they break after a week. No, I think it’s time. The brush belongs in a good home with a good family with good taste buds. 

Punchlines

"How many Western Double Angus Mushroom Cheddar Bacon Avacado Mushroom Cheddar burgers is it safe to eat for breakfast?"...

...asked the patient to the nurse, who replied, "Seriously?"

Reset Button

The first incarnation of this story had a short gestation period and was produced in a little over an hour. As reviews came in, very little compelled me to rewrite it until one intriguing idea was presented: To take out details to make this story anonymous and thus more accessible. "Pinter it up a bit" is what I sought to do. 

In addition to that change, I offered two perspectives to the story: his point of view first and then hers to serve as a counterpoint. While it isn't the non-linear storytelling genius of Kurosawa's Roshamon, it is an attempt to exercise my literary muscles.  

And so the second reincarnation of this story took a while longer. About two days I think and hopefully worthy of 15 minutes of your time. 

Punchlines

I must find another line of work. This one is going absolutely nowhere.

I think you should quit your job at Nihilists Anonymous

Skinny jeans

Just about everyone has struggled with weight loss at some point in his/her life. I don't care if you're trying to lose 5 pounds to squeeze into skinny jeans, 60 pounds accumulated over the years because you ate the same amount every day, but your metabolism slowed, or you just have a beer gut you can't get rid of. Weight loss is no laughing matter for most people. But what if it was?

This summer, I collaborated with about dozen other writers to create an anthology of short stories about weight loss. The idea originated when I was attempting to shed the last few pounds to fit into a pair of skinny jeans. My solution? Laughter. I kid you not. Laughter works the core muscles and I've got the abs to prove it. With this in mind, some fellow short story writers jumped in to offer their stories and the result is a collection of humorous stories, representing different genres of comedy: satire, parody, dark comedy, comedy of manners, slapstick, farce, and so on. I am exceedingly proud of the contributions of each of these writers. 

If you want to preview a draft, the anthology Laugh Your Way Into Skinny Jeans is available to members of Trigger Street, which is free to join.

Each chapter and synopsis are provided below. Please enjoy!

CHAPTER 1 – MAXELLA BY GEORGE SAND

Egotistical and abrasive chef Maxella Lawson lands her own television show and decides to lose weight. In so doing, she learns sometimes it's better to look good *and* feel good.

CHAPTER 2 – DEAR DESSERT - A LUST STORY BY T. ROB

Breaking up is hard to do.

 

CHAPTER 3 – THE PROPOSAL BY MIKE WOLFSON

Who said romance was dead?

CHAPTER 4 – THE GUEST BY CROSSWORD

Old world meets new in a little tale of defying the status quo.

CHAPTER 5 – ABSOLUTELY FLAB-U-LOSS BY LEEMANCHEE

 

CHAPTER 6 – MAUDLIN NINA BY CHAVADEN

An overweight health care worker comes to term with her stereotype image.

CHAPTER 7 – THEY CALL ME ITTY BITTY BY THE3RR

Man seeks woman. Man deceives woman. Man must now fix problem created by deception or lose woman. Will he do it? Man not too bright. Read on.

CHAPTER 8 – THE HEALTH SPA FOR LOST SOULS BY LOREMASTER

Two entrepreneurs overstep their bounds due to their gambling addictions. One turns out to be a big time cheater (in more ways than one!), while the victim must fight back with all his wiles... and a staff with very sick senses of humor.

CHAPTER 9 – SHRINK TO FIT BY GEORGE SAND

A day in the life of Skinny Jeans.

CHAPTER 10 – WEAKNESS FOR SWEETNESS BY ANGELB

 

CHAPTER 11 – INCOGNITO BY CROSSWORD  

An unhappy gossip columnist flies to Mexico to scoop an exclusive interview with an elusive author. And in her family, the only way to get what you want is via deceitful means.

CHAPTER 12 – ODE TO SKINNY JEANS BY KKATHERINE     

 

CHAPTER 13 – MAKING BRANDO SMILE BY BMADDOX       

A lonely woman finds love and (weight) loss exceeding her wildest dreams.

CHAPTER 14 – THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE BY AWOHNOUT

Punchlines

And exactly why should I put up with your tantrums again?

Three reasons I suppose: You like me. We work well together. I am your boss.