These days, dating like grocery shopping involves a lot of reading. The love of your life is rarely content to just be, and instead, should include dozens of labels designating him/her as NATURAL, ORGANIC or the dreaded CAGE-FREE. And even if you know your CERTIFIED from your HUMANELY-RAISED lovers, odds are you still need a PhD to decode most of the other language. So, to make navigating your love life on dating websites a tad easier, here are these labels, defined and explained in terms understandable to humans.
ALL-NATURAL / NATURAL / 100% NATURAL
What it means: In regards to women, NATURAL means the body appears relatively close to its natural state, and often won’t have additives like silicon implants, Botox or pacemakers.
What it really means: With the exception of women, slapping NATURAL on a man is a marketing ploy. Everything about a man essentially derives from nature, so there’s a ton of fudging that can be done. Don’t trust the label, and read every look, grunt and scowl before you date.
CAGE-FREE
What it means: Homeless
What it really means: These people are completely deluded and walk around completely psychotic.
CERTIFIED
What it means: Congratulations! Ex-lovers have acknowledged that your choice is actually worthy of dating.
What it really means: Ex-lovers gave your paramour a grade and a class, and certified that he/she hasn’t been replaced with a billy goat.
ENRICHED / FORTIFIED (Added, Extra, Plus)
What it means: A nutrient (steroid, andro, Viagra, etc.) has been added to your lover. Now, compared to a standard, non-fortified lover, he has at least 10% more of the Daily Value of that nutrient.
What it really means: It varies. A lover can add a ton of Cialis to his game, and set you up for life. Or the same guy can slip a measly 10% andro into his workout, and it barely makes a dent. Read the label to see you’re getting the amount you want.
FREE-RANGE
What it means: A term usually applied to women or as they say in the U.K., birds. FREE-RANGE means birds have access to an outside area. That’s it.
What it really means: Essentially, FREE-RANGE often means birds are raised in a convent, and given a tiny patch of lawn that they rarely, if ever, use. The FREE-RANGE label means virtually their whole lives they have had no human contact. Not even down there.
FRESH
What it means: Pretty much, FRESH men and women are raw and untouched. They have never been frozen by icy stares or warmed by flattery. They also don’t have any preservatives.
What it really means: Hey! This is an actual thing! Who knew? A person labeled FRESH is just about as interesting as belly lint, which is surprisingly not fresh. You pretty much get what you expect. Nice.
GRAIN FED / GRASS FED
What it means: Grain is the primary diet of most Americans. It’s meant to produce fatter people who grow and can be laughed at much faster than nature allows. GRASS FED people (while I’m not sure there’s an official designation) are generally raised entirely on pasture grass, and are also called potheads.
What it really means: While I’m led to believe GRASS FED people are a better lay, I’m actually a little hazy on this one. Can anyone clarify?
GUILT-FREE (Wholesome, Traditional)
What it means: Absolutely nothing.
What it really means: It’s a made-up word to make you want to go on a first date with GUILT-FREE guys. Ignore this category of person entirely.
HEALTHY
What it means: Simply, “A HEALTHY lover must be low in fat and contain limited amounts of neuroses and psychoses.”
What it really means: Wow. As in the case with FRESH, I didn’t know this was an actual thing. I assumed it was a spurious claim made by parents. But it’s actually very real, and leaves little open to interpretation.
HORMONE-FREE
What it means: Nothing. Based on my experience, it can’t be proved.
What it really means: Men and women are supposed to have hormones anyway, so be on the lookout if they claim they don’t.
HUMANELY-RAISED
What it means: In regard to lovers for which it’s meant, almost nothing. It’s not a regulated definition.
What it really means: While there’s some effort by smaller groups to get standards together, it’s not completely there yet. In the meantime, look for the HEALTHY or 100% NATURAL label, which means the people “were allowed to engage in natural behaviors,” had room to move around, had fresh water and a no-hormone/antibiotic diet, and were handled with care during their lives.
LEAN
What it means: LEAN means the guy has less than 10% body fat; women, less than 15%. EXTRA LEAN people go even further than that.
What it really means: I did a lot of research on this a few months ago, and while boobage and butt sizes vary, a LEAN label is good news for anyone other than Sir Mix-a-lot. Look for it, but be careful to check the psychosis content while you’re at it. Some of them could be marathoners and have no time for you.
LIGHT / LITE
What it means: There are two definitions: A) the woman has 50% less fat than her regular equivalent, or B) the guy has 33% less staying power than his regular equivalent.
What it really means: These paramours may be a better choice than their full-fat or full-power version, but it’s not necessarily healthy.
NO ADDED SUGAR
What it means: Women haven’t put any additional sugar to coat their lies.
What it really means: There still may be artificial sweeteners or naturally occurring sugars within their lies. They just don’t need extra sweetness.
NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS, FLAVORS OR PRESERVATIVES
What it means: Your paramour is made entirely from natural ingredients.
What it really means: Well, it depends on your definition of “natural.” Is teeth bleaching natural or anal bleaching, for that matter? What about the Botox around her eyes or his calf lifts? If a date is enriched with more Viagra, does that count? While this label points towards good things, a quick scan of the ingredient list will tell you everything you need to know.
ORGANIC (100% Organic, Made with organic ingredients)
What it means: There are entire books written on the topic, but it boils down to this: 100% ORGANIC people consist entirely of soylent green.
What it really means: Hoo boy. Here we go. The word “organic” is thrown around with some regularity, but parents and ex-lovers never certified that it’s any healthier than ol’ processed people. The label doesn’t guarantee any regulation as fruits and nuts may vary. However, it seems like a general consensus that organic people may be better for you. Proceed with caution.
And that's a wrap. Go forth and love discriminately.
POST SCRIPT. I was so inspired by the silliness of these label designations that I wrote a short story today, also entitled "Read the Labels." Enjoy!
Punchlines
Heidi-ho neighbor! Say... Martha and I were wondering... Are you going to be raking up those leaves in your yard anytime soon?
Just as soon as you leash your Rottweilers, neighbor.
