Financial penalties

Sentencing of Bernard Madoff was handed down today by U.S. District Judge Denny Chin: 150 years in federal prison. This is the maximum sentencing usually reserved for terrorists, traitors and the most violent criminals.  Clearly, Madoff isn't any one of these things, but Chin wanted to send a message that what Madoff did was extraordinarily evil. 

This decision follows last week's forfeiture order issued to Madoff to turn over $171 billion, stripping him of all assets, personal property, real estate, and investments. Goodbye to...

$7 million Manhattan apartment

$11 million estate in Palm Beach

$4 million home in Montauk

$2.2 million boat

Now I think this is all well and good that he needs to liquidate his assets. That's a good start. But I don't know what economic value the system will derive by putting him behind bars. At a minimum, he will continue to be a financial drain on the overall system. Cost of housing, food, utilities, etc. of this convict will still come in to play for the next 150 years. 

Now I don't know about you, but that doesn't sit well with me. 

I think Madoff should be put to work immediately in some sort of work-out program. If he's smart enough to fleece thousands out of $171 billion worth of money into his investment fund, he's gotta come up with at least $171 billion to pay back all of the victims of this fraud. I think that's fair, don't you? At a minimum, we gotta have him doing menial tasks that contribute value back into the system to the tune of $5.00 per hour. At that rate, it'll take him over 16.4 million years to pay back the $171 billion.  That's not even including the cost of the time value of money.

I am not a patient person, so that will simply not do.

How about if we find him a consulting job, in which he can charge $548,076.69 per hour. This will return $171 billion in 150 years. That seems doable, but of course he won't really survive 150 years. 

I'd say if we really want to get full value out of this guy, he'll need to deliver at least $4.1 million per hour for the next 20 years (give or take) plus interest. That seems fair to me. I think the sentencing by Justice Chin doesn't really reflect the full potential of what we ought to expect from Mr. Madoff, wouldn't you agree?

On a related side note. While the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by Madoff fleeced thousands in the largest and most brazen investment fraud, it isn't the first and it certainly isn't the last. Where did this concept come from? While the term is coined after Charles Ponzi, the first description of such a scheme can be found in literature. Charles Dickens' 1857 novel Little Dorrit described such a scheme decades before Ponzi was born. 

I suppose there's a lesson to be found in here. Be careful what you write. 

Post script: On a related note, Andy Borowitz has an amusing book available, Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition. 

Punchlines

The fifty-four principles of screenwriting are:

1. Ignore the last 44 principles of screenwriting.

2. Ignore anyone who offers you unsolicited advice.

3. Ignore George Sand especially.

Chasing your food

Other proprietors of deliciousness appear to be jumping on the proverbial bandwagon and selling their wares in transit. I just realized that this is just a glorified ice-cream truck, but unlike the roach coaches of yester-year, what distinguishes this phenomenon is the fact that the food is excellent. It is in fact gourmet. 

What strikes me odd is that it is taking a well-established brand, such as Sprinkles Cupcakes, and utilizing a ghetto means of delivery to make it available to pockets of civilization throughout southern California. But in these hard times, a business person would be prudent to explore any and all viable options of staying in business. It is the American way, after all. 

So the business model of mobile food dictates much lower overhead (lease payments for a 4,000 sq. ft. store front in prime location vs. lease payments on a van or truck, utilities and maintenance vs. gas money, etc.). Without penciling out the precise figures, it's a money-saver. 

But more than that, this is a marketing windfall. Utilizing Twitter updates to blast followers as to the whereabouts of the @sprinklesmobile increases their customer base as well as achieve operational efficiencies by matching supply more closely with demand for your food and reducing inventory costs. 

Granted I may be among the first 1,327 followers thus far. But rest assured, after the 500 free cupcake giveaway at LA's The Grove this afternoon, that number will grow exponentially. Rest assured.

Punchlines

Which country has the most entertaining government?

1. Oh, they all do. There are so many parties.

2. The US for sure. You can place bets on which old fogey will doze off first.

3. The Canadian. Where else can you demand a strip search of your mayor at two in the morning? 

Why do I write comedy?

Why is it that I seldom choose to do things that are easy?

I grew up basically a straight-A student, who fairly consistently did the worst in math. Memorizing the particular rules of math were not my forte and while I would travel down a certain path to complete a proof to arrive at an answer, invariably 11% of the time I would be wrong or in the voice of today’s youth…? FAIL.

So, I decided to end my pain early in high school by taking a summer course in Geometry after my freshman year of Algebra I. This allowed me to advance to Algebra II and Trigonometry in my sophomore year and then take Advanced Placement Calculus my junior year. In doing so, I had a jubilant senior year - math free! Clever of me, right?

Actually, it kinda sucked when I then decided to switch focus in college from pre-med to economics and computer science. All of a sudden, once again, I had to stare down solving simultaneous equations on wage-price inflation or supply and demand.   

Fast forward to last year when - in the midst of trying to lose weight - I thoroughly researched the science of calories and food, and whipped up recipes handed down from three Michelin star chefs. Turkey sandwiches were not to be found in my household, no sir! I would make everything from scratch. Crème fraiche, candied orange peels, and Greek yogurt are amongst the more esoteric ingredients I would undertake simply because I enjoyed the challenge.

The extreme form of this passion really took shape in my obsession over baking artisan breads. I would spend the requisite 3 days to bake a particular ciabatta formula because that was what was required. Working with wet doughs such as French bread and ciabatta are not for the faint of heart. These breads are amongst the most challenging breads to master. So naturally, that is what I chose to do.

Now follow this pattern to writing. After dabbling in the genres of drama, fantasy, romance and the like, I have gravitated to what many professional writers consider the most difficult genre: comedy. But by now, I think you've figured out that I do like a challenge, don’t I! Eventually I may even be good at it.

Punchlines

Dear Abby, It feels like spiritually I am dead to my job. What should I do?

Dear Zombie-boy, It's time to leave politics. Have you considered cold calling, something in mass marketing or a helpdesk call-center career?