Slate

The following story has been submitted to the 2009 Slate short story competition.

It cracks me up every time I watch the cooking channel, and there’s some crazy BBQ contest winner gloating over his secret recipe. Some guy will go on and on about a dry rub that’s been passed on to him by his grandma, or another will be standing next to a smoker the size of a mac truck, but I know what’s what. Any recipe can be deconstructed to reveal its secret, and any guy with a smoker is compensating for something less in his life. 

What these cooks won’t divulge is what I’ve learned through practiced hands, glazing thousands of pounds of ribs and chicken in search of the perfect bite. Perfection is achieved when you create the exact ratio of sauce to meat. What cooks don’t understand about the science of taste is made up by relying on dry rubs and smokers. But they always fail. 

So when Aunt Mae passed on and left me this unassuming brush – this brush that I had seen her apply to Sunday dinner BBQs when I was growing up – I knew I had magic. Its ability to absorb sauce and then apply a consistent layer onto the meat is without equal. 

Each application of sauce is, in a word, perfect, making each bite that you take, sublime. 

There’s never been another one like it and it’s a shame not to keep it in the family. But you know how it is with kids these days: always wanting store-bought shiny things, even though they break after a week. No, I think it’s time. The brush belongs in a good home with a good family with good taste buds. 

Punchlines

"How many Western Double Angus Mushroom Cheddar Bacon Avacado Mushroom Cheddar burgers is it safe to eat for breakfast?"...

...asked the patient to the nurse, who replied, "Seriously?"

Let them eat cake

Turtle Tower Restaurant is a small mom 'n pop place near Golden Gate park. Located on Geary Street amongst many other Asian restaurants, the building is not a particular stand out, but the taste certainly is. The types of restaurants in this section of Geary are purists when it comes to the type of food they serve. For example, a Japanese restaurant explicitly wrote on a sign: NO SUSHI. NO TERIYAKI. This was to keep out the riffraff i.e., those who are accustomed to Westernized restaurant offerings. 

The place we visited made the distinction of serving only Northern Vietnamese style food which means you are served your pho without mint, bean sprouts, or hoisin. My friend recommended that I try #6 the pan fried noodle soup with fresh rice noodles, beef, leeks and carrots. It was a combination of smokey, tender flavorful goodness in a bowl. Definitely worth having seconds and thirds, I should think.

One drawback is that the restaurant closes super early in the evenings. We were the last customers to order food and were rushed out of the restaurant at 8:30 pm. Still it gave us an opportunity to head to Hayes Valley for dessert.

Citizen Cake has been around for years and I came across Elizabeth Falkner on a Food Network challenge a few years ago. Most recently she was on Top Chef Masters competing against others such as Rick Bayless, Ludo Lefebvre, Hubert Keller, Michael Cimarusti, Roy Yamaguchi, et al.  She's the author of Demolition Desserts and I have looked forward to a visit to her shop each time I am in San Francisco. On this visit we sampled the following:

• Retro Tropical Shag - Genoise cake splashed with rum and an exotic passion fruit mousse, covered in vanilla buttercream and carpeted with un-sweetened coconut.
• Mocha Mi Su - Layers of cocoa genoise cake, mocha mousse and crème fraiche mousse. Finished with chocolate ganache and coffee buttercream. 
• Pineapple Upside-down Cupcake - A tropical treat: lots o’ pineapple chunks underneath moist buttermilk cake topped with a passion fruit frosting & coconut
• Carrot Cupcake - Our delicious carrot cake topped with cream cheese frosting and a marzipan carrot.
  

Oh my!

Punchlines

I am so sick and tired of everybody complaining about hangnails today.
Well, excuuuuuuuuse me. Listen sister, that's a lot better than having a bunch of co-workers sing barber-shop quartet about whitlows.

Ferry Building

San Francisco is a wonderful place for gourmands. The inhabitants take their food very seriously as evidenced by the small places that crop up around the city that are small and artisanal in their approach toward food. Small batches. High quality. These are places which specialize in one thing. For example, olive oil. Just that and no other item. Or salted pork products. That's all that's available. One such place that houses these shops under one roof is the Ferry Building Market Place where I find myself each time I visit San Francisco. 

Some great shops to check out would include:

Acme Bread

Blue Bottle Coffee

Cowgirl Creamery

Boccalone

Recchiuti Confections

I can't say enough nice things about this place. It really is a gem. Couple the experience with a farmers market each saturday morning and I am quite tempted to take up permanent residence within the building itself!

Punchlines

We seek him here, we seek him there. Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven? Is he in hell? That damned, elusive...

...Scarlet Pimpernel.

Mise en place

It may be uncouth to be excited for today, but I don't care. I'm pretty psyched to spend my first day in a professional kitchen and helping to prepare for the dinner service tonight at Ludo Bites, which is referred to as mise en place. 

Mise en place is a French phrase defined by the Culinary Institute of America as "everything in place", as in set up. It is used in professional kitchens to refer to the ingredients, such as cuts of meat, relishes, sauces, par-cooked items, spices, freshly chopped vegetables, and other components that a cook requires for the menu items that they expect to prepare during their shift. Preparing the mise en place ahead of time allows the chef to cook without having to stop and assemble items, which is desirable in recipes with time constraints.

The concept of having everything in its place as applied to the work in a kitchen is likely to have become a staple around the time of Auguste Escoffier, who is well known for his development of the brigade system of running a kitchen. 

Post script: 

So newbie that I am, I forgot to bring my knives to the kitchen today but I did show up on time. I borrowed Eliot's exceptionally sharp knife and as I was preparing the mirepoix for the oxtail (to go in the creamy polenta with oxtail, black truffle and cantal cheese dish), I sliced the palm of my hand. But not to worry, because the next recipe I was prepping for was the boudin noir (a.k.a. blood sausage), chopping up pork back fat, onions, apples, and garlic. Talk about putting in your blood, sweat and tears into your work! Haha. Rest assured. None of mine made it into the recipe.

We had a mid-afternoon break when the Breadbar staff needed to wash the kitchen floors and settled in the front-of-house where I met with the rest of the kitchen crew working that night, a young efficient bunch who were passionate about food. So much so, that one remarked that all they seem to talk about is food when they get together. What they've eaten recently... What kitchen utensil they've purchased... What restaurants they've been to... and so on.

The hum of activity continued soon thereafter, with each person assigned to parts of the menu to tackle from cleaning chanterelle mushrooms, whipping up frosting, assembling the lobster tarte, cleaning and grating celery root, or in my case, plucking leaves off a dozen stems of hyssop (at least I think that was the herb) and scraping clean six dozen organic baby carrots, which appeared to have stained my hands. 

All in all, working in a professional kitchen is a wonderful experience. Without a doubt, it is back-breaking work. So, anyone considering a culinary profession better have passion for it, and if you get a chance to train under a creative genius like Ludo, jump on the chance because it is well worth it.

 

Punchlines

So what's with the provocative song titles these days? You Put Something Inside Me. I hate Christian Rock. WTF is next...?
Jesus Fills Me Up? I mean come on already! 


So Tuesday night at George's, huh? 

Peanut brittle

It's been some time since I've crafted one of these so let me know what you think.

Twisted Nursery Rhyme

More peanut brittle!
I drool drops of spittle, 

I'm simply over the moon. 

The mean baker laughed 

To see me beg, 

So I nicked it away with a spoon. 

Old-Fashioned Peanut Brittle

Bon Appetit, November 1992         

Ingredients

• 3 cups sugar
• 2 cups water
• 3/4 cup light corn syrup
• 3/4 cup dark corn syrup
• 4 cups coarsely chopped salted roasted peanuts
• 2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) unsalted butter
• 1 tablespoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions

Butter 2 heavy large baking sheets. Stir first 4 ingredients in heavy large saucepan over medium heat until sugar dissolves. Increase heat to high and boil without stirring until candy thermometer registers 260°F., about 40 minutes. Reduce heat to medium-low. Mix in peanuts and butter and cook until thermometer registers 295°F., stirring constantly, about 15 minutes. Add baking soda and vanilla and stir briskly (mixture will foam up). Immediately pour out onto prepared baking sheets, dividing evenly. Spread out brittle as thinly as possible. Let stand until cold and hard.

Break brittle into pieces. Store in airtight containers at room temperature. (Can be prepared 1 month ahead.)

Punchlines

Did you say Irish coffee? Why, I don't mind if I do...

...one shot of that and two lines of coke. That ought to wake me up in the morning.

Weekend cook

What was I thinking when I decided it was a good idea to host two brunches at our house on the same weekend? Subliminally I may have been attempting to simulate working in a restaurant or B&B. I don't know how else to explain this, but as I rise up early on Sunday morning, and despite the fact that there will be lovely people showing up later today, I gotta wonder how cooks do what they do every day. Like everything, it's just a job I suppose and if they're lucky, they're doing it for the love of cooking. But one thing's for sure, I love cooking and would want to keep it a hobby and not a profession.

I would write more, but I don't have time for anything but cooking at the moment. Here's the menu for today:

• Garlic hummus and pita points
  
• Cheese plate with brie, gouda and grapes
  
• Heirloom tomatoes and Buffalo mozzarella with balsamic vinegar
  
• Mixed salad with endive, goat cheese, candied walnuts, and grapes
  
• South Carolina baby back ribs
  
• Rosemary and lemon oven-roasted chicken
  
• Dalloyau's Tarte aux Pommes au Four

Punchlines

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The road had it coming to him.

Spam musubi

Okay, okay. Wanna hear something gross? Kids especially may want to pay attention here. I think I may have eaten an entire can of SPAM today. Yeah, gross, huh?

It all started with a rather harmless potluck baby shower. A friend from Hawaii decides to bring a fairly popular snack in Hawaii. Almost every other dish in Hawaii is made of SPAM and SPAM musubi is one of those. These are about ubiquitous as hotdogs on Coney Island and likely to have the same salt content as well. 

But something almost visceral is triggered when the palette tastes salt and fat. It may even be primal. I'm blaming that primal urge because I don't have any other way to explain eating half a dozen of these bad boys in one day. 

Punchlines

So how's the fam?

Everyone at home seems fine. Kids seem happy. Occupied. There's a dog. Two cats. I can't quite see anything else through the binoculars right now but perhaps later when it gets darker. I'm getting cold out here though.

Yo quiero Taco Bell

In honor of the passing of Gidget, the iconic chihuahua which uttered the phrase, "Yo quiero Taco Bell," I would like to take a moment and describe my childhood fondness for Taco Bell. Back in the day, there were warring factions between fans of Taco Bell and fans of Del Taco. I wouldn't say blood was spilt over this... well, maybe salsa... but we did have to make separate food runs when hunger pangs struck, which was often. 

By the way, for those who didn't know... in the futuristic action movie Demolition Man, Taco Bell is the only fast food company to survive the Franchise Wars. As a result, the only restaurants left have all become Taco Bells. 

The international version dubbed over Taco Bell and replaced it with Pizza Hut, but you get the picture. It's a campy enjoyable movie that has a lot of silly memorable quotes.

My all-time favorite item on the Taco Bell menu would have to be the Mexican Pizza. I haven't eaten it in a bazillion years, but I am tempted to make one soon. Yeah, I said make one and not buy one. Here is a recipe I purloined from the far reaches of the internet.

Taco Bell Mexican Pizza

Ingredients

• 1/2 lb ground beef
  
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
  
• 1/4 teaspoon diced minced onions
  
• 1/4 teaspoon paprika
  
• 1 1/2 teaspoons chili powder (Spanish is best)
  
• 2 tablespoons water
  
• 8 flour tortillas (6 "inch")
  
• 1 cup cooking oil
  
• 1 (16 ounce) can refried beans
  
• 1/3 cup diced tomatoes
  
• 2/3 cup mild picante sauce
  
• 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese
  
• 1 cup shredded Pepper jack cheese
  
• 1/4 cup chopped green onions
  
• 1/4 cup sliced black olives
  

Directions

• Get a skillet pan and place it over medium heat. Heat the ground beef and cook it until completely brown. Drain all excess oil.
  
• Keep the beef in the pan. Add the chili powder, onions, salt, paprika, and water.
  
• Stir and simmer for about 10 minutes.
  
• While it's simmering, get a small frying pan and pour a little of cooking oil into the pan. Put it on medium heat. Place a tortilla into the pan, frying it for 30 to 45 seconds. Flip it over and fry that side for 30 to 45 seconds. Pop any bubbles that forms on the tortillas. You'll want to make sure that it always stays flat. Remove from the pan when it's golden brown and drain on paper towels. Repeat this step for each tortilla.
  
• Cook and heat the refried beans in a separate pot. At this point also, you can go and preheat your oven to 400 degrees F.
  
• Grab one tortilla shell and spread a generous amount of beans on it. Scoop up some meat and then place another tortilla shell on top of the meat.
  
• Pour about 2 tablespoons of salsa on top of the second tortilla. Spread cheese, onions, and tomato on the salsa.
  
• Place the completed Mexican pizza in the oven for about 8 to 12 minutes.

 Tips

• You can eliminate any topping you wish to your taste. Instead of the salsa, you can make a jumbo meat/bean pizza and place the desired toppings on top as usual.
  
• Use flour tortillas instead of corn because corn tortillas tend to become a little chewer.
  
• If you don't want greasy tortilla shells, spray a little PAM or any other non-stick spray instead of using cooking oil.
  

Prego!

Punchlines

My eggs are...

...square and not oval as is more traditional. I was born that way.

Picasso of Pastry

On the final full day of our trip, we set out late to catch the midday views of Cathedrale Notre Dame with its soaring arches within and stood on kilometre zero, the very center of Paris. We then took a short trip to Musee d'Orsay to see various pieces from the Impressionist period. 

To my surprise, Renoir's Le Moulin de la Galette (1876) hung here which was reminiscent of my college days and having posters of Renoir's Boating Party and Seurat's Seine Grande Jatte covering my walls. After a quick hit of espresso, we worked our way to Saint Germain des Pres.

Near Saint Sulpice, we searched out Poilane bakery on an unassuming rue de Cherche-Midi. For those who are unaware, the Boule Miche is an iconic bread from the famed bakery of Lionel Poilane and is served in restaurants of distinction throughout Paris. 

Here is a quick peek at the ovens below the shop. As the bakery was quite small, we didn't stay long and proceeded to cross a few streets toward the famed shop of Pierre Herme also known as the Picasso of pastry. 

After sampling the macarons at Laduree, we decided to try a few more at Pierre Herme. The first three were similar flavors to those we tasted at Laduree (rose petal, chocolate, and sea salt caramel) while the last three were new (jasmine, passionfruit chocolate, and raspberry and pistachio). Verdict? Honestly, I preferred each of the Laduree macarons. The rose petal had a more distinctive flavor at Laduree, the chocolate flavor had so much more depth and richness and the sea salt caramel had a nutty and buttery smoothness with just a hint of smokiness. Still it wasn't a bad experience. Just not as distinctive and memorable as Laduree.

Punchlines

It seems to me we haven't spent enough time talking about...

...the important issues. Things like health care reform, proper cat maintenance, home dentistry, and of course Popsicle making.

Hurry curry

I've no idea what took so long before we had our first curry in London. Oh, right, all of the various wedding related activities featured food and so it wasn't until our final night in London that we sojourned to Brick Lane upon a friend's recommendation to try Balti.

Until recently, I didn't realize what this particular dish was and apparently it differs from a regular curry in the method of preparation and presentation. In the last ten minutes of preparation, the contents are cooked at high temperatures in a distinctive flat-bottomed wok which gives the dish its name: a balti. The fresh spices, herbs and chillis added during the final stages of cooking make it flavoursome and colourful.

We chose to sample the dishes at Standard Balti House in East London and tried an amazing mulligatawny soup and vegetable samosa starters, then a lamb tikka curry as well as a chicken balti dish with naan and rice. OMG! I am drooling just thinking about it now. Luckily, there were leftovers.

Anyway, this was a wonderful way to top off a lazy day in which we didn't manage to leave the hotel until the tea time. Then we hauled ourselves across town to Oxford and Regent streets to windowshop at Liberty, Savile Row (particularly Kilgour) and Jermyn Street (especially Floris).

Next stop: Paris via Eurostar.

Punchlines
"You know, people are always asking me...
...if they can milk me. If it's in the morning, I'm generally amenable to it. But otherwise it can be rather annoying," says Crossword.

Notting Hill

Oddly enough, Notting Hill was not on a hill, at least not as far as I could tell. Soon after lunch in Soho, we traversed town via the Northern line to the Circle line and then headed down towards Portobello Road towards the market.

The top of the road begins with antiques and progresses to fresh fruit and vegetable stands. Though Monday isn't really the best market day per se and the weather did not appear to be cooperating with blustery winds and rain on occasion that afternoon, it was enjoyable to wander up and down the streets with Suzanne talking about reality TV, poker, screenwriting, sports and mutual friends.

Since she was staying there with a family, she was familiar with the terrain. She took us to the famous Travel Bookshop featured in the movie, Notting Hill. That as well as concluding our visit with delicious cupcakes at Hummingbird Bakery made this a delightful visit in this corner of London. We sampled the following flavors: vanilla, red velvet, carrot cake, and cream cheese chocolate. For a little taste of light fluffy deliciousness, try it out the next time you're in London.

Punchlines
Somebody explain to me the word "rush hour."
That's the bit between taking drugs and being hungry.

Tennis anyone?

The epic men's final match of Wimbledon 2009 was the longest in history concluding with Roger Federer pulling out a tough win over Andy Roddick. Final scores:

Federer: 5 7 7 3 16
Roddick: 7 6 6 6 14

I won't attempt to do a recap of the match - do I look like a journalist to you? I didn't think so - but needless to say, it was riveting and astounding to see these two athletes compete, especially as Andy Roddick pushed Roger Federer all the way to the end, not making it easy for him to finally win after 4 and a half hours. While it was the longest men's final match, it apparently it did not best Gonzales and Pasarell's first-round Wimbledon match in 1969 before the advent of the tie-breaker, which lasted 5 hours and 12 minutes.

I didn't mind it so much as it gave me an opportunity to indulge in some British culinary traditions: a glass of Pimm's and naturally strawberries and cream. I'd share with you a recipe for strawberries and cream, but really it is quite self-explanatory.

After Federer graced the court to accept the cup, we headed back to Covent Garden and stopped by West Cornwall Pasty's for three different Cornish pasties: traditional beef and onion pasty, one with vegetables and beef marinated in ale, and a mushroom and chicken pasty.


The Cornish pasty is associated with Cornwall and was traditionally made for miners who were unable to return to the surface to eat lunch. It is a pastry filled with beef, carrots, turnip, and onion and it is simply delicious. Wives would sometimes fill part of the pastry with dessert and would distinguish the pasty from others by inscribing with dough the initials of their husbands.

When I return home, I will post a fantastic recipe that I've made in the past for your enjoyment. Stay tuned! Until then, revel in Federer's triumph!


Punchlines
I find it peculiar that there is a preponderance of small deaf signers at the bottom of the screen on UK television. Have they not mastered closed-captioning technology on this side of the pond?
The head of the BBC was a big time screenwriter - something about show-don't-tell seemed ingrained.

Pimm's No. 1

Nothing beats a glass of Pimms on a summer’s day. This British beverage is almost as much a tradition as the cup of tea, and the British down the gin-based drink by the gallon during the summer months. Take it from me. I had about a gallon meself today during the rehearsal dinner.

History of Pimms
Rewind back to a London oyster bar in the 1840s where owner James Pimm invented the thirst-quencher. Using gin, quinine and a secret mixture of herbs, good old Pimm served up the brew as an aid to digestion, dishing it out in a small tankard and the No. 1 Cup moniker was born.

After the Second World War, Pimms extended their range, using a number of other spirits as bases for new cups. Scotch lent its name to No. 2 cup while No. 3 used brandy, No. 4 rum, No. 5 rye and No. 6 vodka. Of these sequels, the vodka cup and brandy (now called Winter) are the only ones in production while original No. 1 cup still reigns supreme in popularity.

Pimms Recipes

Traditional Pimms No.1
Take one slice of orange, lemon, apple, cucumber per person and one sprig of mint and add to two parts lemonade to one part Pimms.

Turbo Pimms No.1
As above but five parts lemonade, two parts Pimms, one part gin.

English Passion Pimms No.6
Take a shaker 2/3 full of ice and add 50ml of Pimms No.6, 25ml of Zubrowka vodka, flesh and juice of a passion fruit and a dash of sugar syrup. Shake well and strain into a tumbler full of ice. Garnish with a sprig of mint and two short straws.

Maximum Voltage Pimms No.6
Take a shaker 2/3 full of ice, 50ml of Pimms No.6, 25ml of Zubrowka vodka and 25ml of Cointreau. Shake well and strain into a highball full of ice. Fill with soda water and garnish with mint. If mixing your own Pimms sounds too much like hard work, head to one of the many pubs and bars in London which serve up Pimms with a healthy dose of fruit, ice and garnished with a sprig of mint.

Punchlines
Who knew that my priest was so very wise? Without him, I would never know how to overcome pain. Embrace humility. The importance of establishing a "safe" word...
...such as Kazakhstan while in the throes.

Chasing your food

Other proprietors of deliciousness appear to be jumping on the proverbial bandwagon and selling their wares in transit. I just realized that this is just a glorified ice-cream truck, but unlike the roach coaches of yester-year, what distinguishes this phenomenon is the fact that the food is excellent. It is in fact gourmet. 

What strikes me odd is that it is taking a well-established brand, such as Sprinkles Cupcakes, and utilizing a ghetto means of delivery to make it available to pockets of civilization throughout southern California. But in these hard times, a business person would be prudent to explore any and all viable options of staying in business. It is the American way, after all. 

So the business model of mobile food dictates much lower overhead (lease payments for a 4,000 sq. ft. store front in prime location vs. lease payments on a van or truck, utilities and maintenance vs. gas money, etc.). Without penciling out the precise figures, it's a money-saver. 

But more than that, this is a marketing windfall. Utilizing Twitter updates to blast followers as to the whereabouts of the @sprinklesmobile increases their customer base as well as achieve operational efficiencies by matching supply more closely with demand for your food and reducing inventory costs. 

Granted I may be among the first 1,327 followers thus far. But rest assured, after the 500 free cupcake giveaway at LA's The Grove this afternoon, that number will grow exponentially. Rest assured.

Punchlines

Which country has the most entertaining government?

1. Oh, they all do. There are so many parties.

2. The US for sure. You can place bets on which old fogey will doze off first.

3. The Canadian. Where else can you demand a strip search of your mayor at two in the morning? 

God bless the chickpea

I don't know about you, but I go through these streaks of inexplicable obsessions over particular foods. I blame the media. Sometimes these inspirations will take place as I am watching a show and a particular character is eating a particular food and I think to myself, I want that. I need that. Why am I not eating that? Such was the case when I saw the Friends episode from Season 7 The One with All The Cheesecakes. 

Chandler: But I already opened the box, and you can't return the box after you've opened the box.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: (whining) Because it's too delicious!

Ahh, the power of suggestion.

I merely use this an example to illustrate my latest obsession, which is over the chickpea. Now I don't know who invented hummus, and in fact, nobody knows, but whoever did so was a genius! What is hummus?

Hummus (a transliteration of the Arabic: حمّص‎; also spelled hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous orhumus; see romanization of Arabic) is a Levantine Arab dip or spread made from cooked, mashed chickpeas, blended withtahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. It is a popular food in various local forms throughout the Middle Eastern world and elsewhere.

Those who research culinary history have carried on folklore suggesting that hummus is one of the oldest known prepared foods. It has a long history in the Middle East, which stretches back to antiquity, but its historical origins are unknown.

You knew it was just a matter of time before I posted a recipe. Well, without further ado...

Hummus

Source: Gourmet, October 1988

 

Ingredients

4 garlic cloves 

1 teaspoon salt 

two 1-pound 3-ounce cans chick-peas, drained and rinsed 

2/3 cup well stirred tahini 

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice, or to taste 

1/2 cup olive oil, or to taste 

1/4 cup fresh parsley leaves 

2 tablespoons pine nuts, toasted lightly  

Preparation

On a cutting board mince and mash the garlic to a paste with the salt. In a food processor purée the chick-peas with the garlic paste, the tahini, the lemon juice, 1/4 cup of the oil, and 1/2 cup water, scraping down the sides, until the hummus is smooth and add salt to taste. Add water, if necessary, to thin the hummus to the desired consistency and transfer the hummus to a bowl. In the food processor, cleaned, purée the remaining 1/4 cup oil with the parsley until the oil is bright green and the parsley is minced transfer the parsley oil to a small jar. The hummus and the parsley oil may be made 3 days in advance and kept covered and chilled. Divide the hummus between shallow serving dishes and smooth the tops. Drizzle the hummus with the parsley oil and sprinkle it with the pine nuts. Serve the hummus with the pita.

Well, I predict a resurgence of hummus after its forthcoming appearance in the movie, Bruno. In it, hummus is featured when Bruno purposely confuses Hummus and Hamas in an interview with Israeli and Palestinian scholars, creating much confusion.

Punchlines 

I think the Lakers is a funny name for a basketball team. Why don't they just call them the Rivers or... 

...the Ponders would be good. So how do you lake something? You fill it with water and put rednecks all around it?

Why do I write comedy?

Why is it that I seldom choose to do things that are easy?

I grew up basically a straight-A student, who fairly consistently did the worst in math. Memorizing the particular rules of math were not my forte and while I would travel down a certain path to complete a proof to arrive at an answer, invariably 11% of the time I would be wrong or in the voice of today’s youth…? FAIL.

So, I decided to end my pain early in high school by taking a summer course in Geometry after my freshman year of Algebra I. This allowed me to advance to Algebra II and Trigonometry in my sophomore year and then take Advanced Placement Calculus my junior year. In doing so, I had a jubilant senior year - math free! Clever of me, right?

Actually, it kinda sucked when I then decided to switch focus in college from pre-med to economics and computer science. All of a sudden, once again, I had to stare down solving simultaneous equations on wage-price inflation or supply and demand.   

Fast forward to last year when - in the midst of trying to lose weight - I thoroughly researched the science of calories and food, and whipped up recipes handed down from three Michelin star chefs. Turkey sandwiches were not to be found in my household, no sir! I would make everything from scratch. Crème fraiche, candied orange peels, and Greek yogurt are amongst the more esoteric ingredients I would undertake simply because I enjoyed the challenge.

The extreme form of this passion really took shape in my obsession over baking artisan breads. I would spend the requisite 3 days to bake a particular ciabatta formula because that was what was required. Working with wet doughs such as French bread and ciabatta are not for the faint of heart. These breads are amongst the most challenging breads to master. So naturally, that is what I chose to do.

Now follow this pattern to writing. After dabbling in the genres of drama, fantasy, romance and the like, I have gravitated to what many professional writers consider the most difficult genre: comedy. But by now, I think you've figured out that I do like a challenge, don’t I! Eventually I may even be good at it.

Punchlines

Dear Abby, It feels like spiritually I am dead to my job. What should I do?

Dear Zombie-boy, It's time to leave politics. Have you considered cold calling, something in mass marketing or a helpdesk call-center career?