Haçienda

I am twenty years too late. I've been to London several times, usually on business, and so I never had the opportunity to steal myself away to Manchester. Why Manchester you might ask?

Though I have never stepped foot on its soil or danced at The Haçienda, Manchester has been an integral part of my personal history. See screenplay by the same name, Haçienda. 

Quite a few bands originated from Manchester. Ever heard of Joy Division, New Order, or The Smiths? These bands got their start in Manchester as well as planted their roots. The Haçienda was opened by Factory Records and New Order in May 1982 and played predominantly indie music in the early years, but later featured disco, hip hop and electronic music to become a legendary club in the 1990s, widely regarded as the world's most famous nightclub. 

My fanaticism for New Order grew exponentially when I met Tim Haslett, who was a disc jockey and music journalist in Boston. He also introduced me to other music coming out at the time from Madchester before the tunes hit stateside. The next wave of bands to come out of Manchester included The Stone Roses, Happy Mondays, Inspiral Carpets, James, The Charlatans and in particular A Guy Called Gerald and 808 State. Pacific 101 by 808 State in fact is probably one of the first electronica/techno songs I had ever heard, and it is a song that will, quite frankly, haunt you.  

Select songs from that era:

Pacific 101 by 808 State

Voodoo Ray by A Guy Called Gerald

Sun Rising by The Beloved

Getting Away With It by Electronic

Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order

I Don't Know Anybody Else by Black Box

The Host of Seraphim by Dead Can Dance

These Things Happen by Mark Stewart

Such A Shame by Talk Talk

Between Something and Nothing by The Ocean Blue

World In Motion by New Order

Go by Moby

LFO by LFO

Elevate My Mind by Stereo MC's

Helter Skelter by Meat Beat Manifesto

Every Day is Halloween by Ministry

Spice by Eon

Heaven Or Las Vegas by Cocteau Twins

Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana

James Brown is Dead by L.A. Style

UHF3 by Moby

Human Nature by Gary Clail On-U Sound System

Mind at the End of the Tether by Tackhead

My Secret Laboratory by Lee "Scratch" Perry

I am twenty years too late because the places I would like to visit next week no longer exist. The Haçienda shut down in 2001. The same can be said for Factory Records. So I can't ever go back, but luckily this era is neatly captured in the film 24 Hour Party People. 

Nonetheless, I will take the train 2 hours north next week and kick around the environs to check out Afflecks Palace and the various quirky and interesting shops in Northern Quarter. In addition, there is now a bi-annual Manchester International Festival which screens only premieres of movies, which takes place this year July 2-19th. This seems a fitting bookend to my creative pursuits, once fueled by music and now by writing.

Punchlines

After banning triangles from geometry, I thought I would promote the benefits of circles, especially as they relate to...

...Pi, and I do love me some of that.

  

Financial penalties

Sentencing of Bernard Madoff was handed down today by U.S. District Judge Denny Chin: 150 years in federal prison. This is the maximum sentencing usually reserved for terrorists, traitors and the most violent criminals.  Clearly, Madoff isn't any one of these things, but Chin wanted to send a message that what Madoff did was extraordinarily evil. 

This decision follows last week's forfeiture order issued to Madoff to turn over $171 billion, stripping him of all assets, personal property, real estate, and investments. Goodbye to...

$7 million Manhattan apartment

$11 million estate in Palm Beach

$4 million home in Montauk

$2.2 million boat

Now I think this is all well and good that he needs to liquidate his assets. That's a good start. But I don't know what economic value the system will derive by putting him behind bars. At a minimum, he will continue to be a financial drain on the overall system. Cost of housing, food, utilities, etc. of this convict will still come in to play for the next 150 years. 

Now I don't know about you, but that doesn't sit well with me. 

I think Madoff should be put to work immediately in some sort of work-out program. If he's smart enough to fleece thousands out of $171 billion worth of money into his investment fund, he's gotta come up with at least $171 billion to pay back all of the victims of this fraud. I think that's fair, don't you? At a minimum, we gotta have him doing menial tasks that contribute value back into the system to the tune of $5.00 per hour. At that rate, it'll take him over 16.4 million years to pay back the $171 billion.  That's not even including the cost of the time value of money.

I am not a patient person, so that will simply not do.

How about if we find him a consulting job, in which he can charge $548,076.69 per hour. This will return $171 billion in 150 years. That seems doable, but of course he won't really survive 150 years. 

I'd say if we really want to get full value out of this guy, he'll need to deliver at least $4.1 million per hour for the next 20 years (give or take) plus interest. That seems fair to me. I think the sentencing by Justice Chin doesn't really reflect the full potential of what we ought to expect from Mr. Madoff, wouldn't you agree?

On a related side note. While the massive Ponzi scheme perpetrated by Madoff fleeced thousands in the largest and most brazen investment fraud, it isn't the first and it certainly isn't the last. Where did this concept come from? While the term is coined after Charles Ponzi, the first description of such a scheme can be found in literature. Charles Dickens' 1857 novel Little Dorrit described such a scheme decades before Ponzi was born. 

I suppose there's a lesson to be found in here. Be careful what you write. 

Post script: On a related note, Andy Borowitz has an amusing book available, Who Moved My Soap? The CEO's Guide to Surviving in Prison: The Bernie Madoff Edition. 

Punchlines

The fifty-four principles of screenwriting are:

1. Ignore the last 44 principles of screenwriting.

2. Ignore anyone who offers you unsolicited advice.

3. Ignore George Sand especially.

Punchline

Since I was at home in bed with the flu, I caught up on some old classics, like Punchline from 1988. I watched it in part to do some research for a script collaboration, writing stand-up comedy for a fellow screenwriter. But what I got instead was a poignant story about a woman and her relationship with her family, her husband, her new world in comedy, and ultimately herself.

Sally Field plays Lilah a housewife from New Jersey with three girls and a husband who sells insurance for a living. She was a woman who loves three things in her life: being a mom, being a wife, and making people laugh. In the scenes where we see her in her day-to-day life, you see the mundane, dull and tedious aspects of it, but when you see her at night doing her set, you see her come alive. 

It would have been so easy for her to have left her husband and her kids behind, especially since he wasn't supportive of what she was doing. Even more appealing is finding a kindred spirit in Steven, played by Tom Hanks, who was 10 years her junior and also in love with her. 

Steven: So what's the deal? He doesn't let you have any friends. He doesn't let you do stand up. I'm surprised he let you out the house.

Lilah: He thinks I'm at a PTA meeting.

Steven: So why don't you leave him?

In the end, she doesn't leave her old life for a new one or an old love for a new one. She finds a way to have both. To pursue her passions in comedy, to rekindle her relationship with her husband, and find happiness.

For me, I find a great deal of happiness in writing and in particular writing comedy. Ironically, it started with writing Punchlines on Trigger Street. So what are you all waiting for? Come on people! Do something that makes you come alive!

Punchlines

That's the last time I'll buy jeans from Gap Online.

The little jeans that are the size of a kleenex tissue, regardless of ordered size? Yeah, everybody...  please stay away from Gap Online dot org.

About as subtle as a gun

I've done my fair share of both reading romantic comedy screenplays and watching them as well. While a vast majority are amusing and can elicit a smile, very few of them have laugh out loud moments. When Harry Met Sally, Four Weddings and a Funeral, My Best Friend's Wedding, Bridget Jones's Diary and Love Actually come to mind as the stand-out rom-coms that had both romance and comedy. The Proposal must be added to these ranks. 

I say this, because in large part, Margaret (played by Sandra Bullock) as a character is so over-the-top that by comparison Andrew (played by Ryan Reynolds) is a character the audience instantly empathizes with. While they were both very enjoyable to watch, Ryan Reynolds and his subtle face expressions reacting to situations or to Margaret's demands were priceless. Many of these are evident in the trailer, but you gotta see it in context. Go see it this week!

Punchlines

Hey Varmint! What's say you and I wrastle fer munny!
Not you again. Listen - I have no desire to be felt up again, you perv. All I want is to come into town and pick up my bolts of gingham from the Ingals Store and be on my way.

Farewell white-gloved one

News of Michael Jackson's death reached me yesterday at work through a coworker. As the consummate professional, I echoed sympathies to my coworkers, but remained focused on finishing the tasks at hand. One allows time and introspection to occur when one has the time, which isn't until now as I watch a variety of news stations cover his death hour after hour after hour.

Michael Jackson was not just a superstar, he was the pre-eminent pop icon. He was one of the most widely influential singers not only of his generation, but of all time. His pop musical genius is evident by the 13 #1 singles: 

• 1972: "Ben" (1 week)
  
• 1979: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" (1 week)
  
• 1980: "Rock with You" (4 weeks)
  
• 1983: "Billie Jean" (7 weeks)
  
• 1983: "Beat It" (3 weeks)
  
• 1983: "Say Say Say" (6 weeks)
  
• 1985: "We Are The World" (4 weeks) (this track is counted extraofficially, considering that was credited to USA for Africa)
• 1987: "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" (with Siedah Garrett) (1 week)
• 1987: "Bad" (2 weeks)
  
• 1987: "The Way You Make Me Feel" (1 week)
  
• 1988: "Man in the Mirror" (2 weeks)
  
• 1988: "Dirty Diana" (1 week)
  
• 1991: "Black or White" (7 weeks)
  
• 1995: "You Are Not Alone" (1 week) 
  

For me, my strongest sense memory of Michael Jackson was in junior high school and realizing the impact this man was making on youth. Music videos were just beginning to emerge and Michael took full advantage of the medium, from videos like Thriller, Billie Jean, and Beat It.  All of the kids marveled at how he moved, studied his music videos religiously, and began to mimic him as they were standing around waiting in line at the cafeteria. On a production budget of $750,000, the Thriller album which was released November 30, 1982 went on to sell an estimated 100-109 million copies worldwide. Even as other music videos were released off other albums, I recall how much anticipation my friends and I had about what we would see, what new moves he would show us, and what new special F/X would be introduced. 

While the death of a loved one is devastating, death is also quite poignant when it happens to someone you grew up with, and most of us feel like we grew up with Michael Jackson. How did he affect you? Post a comment. 

RIP Michael Jackson (1958-2009)

Post script: An inside look at the making of We Are the World as well as the finished music video.

Punchlines

So! How bout those Dodgers! 

Aren't we done talking about Washington politicians?

How good's your Alibi?

Alibi Room is the permanent home of Kogi BBQ. It is a totally and completely cool lounge in its own right. Great vibe. Great looking bartenders. Great drinks. They even stock Hendricks Gin, which has forever changed my life. 

The maestros behind Beechwood and The Brig in Venice did a complete makeover on Alibi Room. Formerly, it featured a well-worn pool table circled by cigarette smokers who donned Allman Brothers concert T-shirts without irony. Now, the Alibi has a dramatic, lacquered wood triangular bar, a gallery of wry, formalist photographs of swimming pools along one wall, a trim sofa-by-the-fireplace conversation nook, sake and wineglass storage suspended from the ceiling and a menu featuring Kogi BBQ.

Last night, I met up with some friends after work and sampled the Kogi Breakfast Burrito with hashbrowns, eggs, cheese, and short rib as well as the Kogi Sliders with cheese, sesame mayo, and short rib. Dee-lish. Of course, later we cleared our palettes with something sweet at Yogurtland! Sure it may be a little out of the way, but it is well worth it. Check it out some time.

Punchlines

An honest day's pay for an honest day's work. That's what they told me. And it sounded right. Fair, you know? However, I'm now older and wiser, and I've found...

...I'm better off with an honest day's pay for an honest day's shirk. I learned that from Dub-ya.

Moon over my Sammy

Not since Tom Hanks in Cast Away almost 10 years ago have we seen a protagonist take up largely the entire movie and every single scene in it. While Cast Away eventually returned Chuck Noland to civilization years later and thus interact with other characters, Moon takes the sense of isolation one step further by keeping Sam Bell on the moon for the entirety of the story and he is alone, except for GERTY, the pleasant and eagerly helpful robot. 

From a filmmaking perspective, this really puts a lot of pressure on casting the right person who the audience will be willing to patiently watch go through the story and remain engaged. Quite frankly Tom Hanks didn't do it for me in Cast Away, and while it was a great story and I am usually a Tom Hanks fan, there came a point where I just got tired of seeing him on screen. I needed a break.

In Moon, the casting of Sam Rockwell as the lead worked for me. I haven't seen him play a leading role, as he did in Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. Instead, I mostly recall him from his portrayal of off-beat characters such as Zaphod Beeblebrox in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy or Eric Knox in Charlie's Angels. So you can see how I may have categorized him as a notable character actor. Indeed, Sam Rockwell had the depth and diversity to be intense as well as laugh out loud funny -- really a pleasure to watch. Way to go, Sam. I hope this movie propels your career into the stratosphere. 

Punchlines

What you fear, Sergio... I think what you fear is life. Take the fish, Sergio. The fish, without even thumbs! The fish fears not the water, but the sharks that are in the water. And what is worse than the shark is the thought of the shark... in the fish's mind.

Thank you. And that was Dan Rather with his weekly Just Think About It segment. Thanks again, Dan - inspiring stuff. Now, here's Suzy with sports...

Worst office product ever!

The award would have to go to my red Swingline stapler. She had been a loyal friend to me for some time. She didn't bind as much as the Boston stapler. She was always there when I needed her. Very consistent.

One day, I inserted a new set of staples into her, and all of a sudden, she decided not to work. I thought these things were standard, but I guess they're not. They really should make standard staples. Why would anyone want to stock different staples for different staplers?

Anyway, the staples I used wouldn't work on her. I would have to open her up, slide the staples forward and then bang down on her. If I'm doing a lot of stapling, I repeat this action and each time, I get more and more pissed.

I wonder if she wanted more attention from me. More handholding. I dunno, whatever. I don't need a needy stapler. I've got more pressing concerns quite frankly, like the 3-hole punch, but don't get me started.

Then a colleague of mine asked to use my stapler. I warned him about how she acts up. How she's difficult. He chuckles at me as he took hold of her, adjusts the staples one last time, and then swiftly and firmly banged the top of her head.

He continued away stapling with efficiency and I stared at him in wonder. I glared at her for betraying me. How could she work with ease in his hand and not in mine? Have I not been loyal? Having broken her of her obstinate ways, he left me with her to do our daily deeds.

Today, I noticed I've run out of staples again, and I wonder if she will regress into her once needy obstinate ways. I honestly don't know. But I do know that I will never get rid of her. I will never let anyone take her away from me. We've gone through thick and thin, she and I.

(The origin story of Milton and his red stapler.)

Punchlines

Props are well and good, but at some point the watermelon sledging and the rummaging through an old chest don't exactly constitute magic nor entertainment.

Certainly not. No, for that, you can't beat...

...rummaging through a young chest. (over 18 of course)

Who are you?

The first time I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Keirsey Temperament Sorter was  in 1995, then in 1999, again in 2006 and finally in 2009 (30 minutes ago, in fact). These are personality tests that assess who you are as an individual, how you communicate with others, and your likely pattern of action. These tests have been used over 40 years and by more than 40 million people worldwide.  

The purpose of these tests is to make the theory of psychological types described by Carl Jung understandable and useful in people's lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment.

The identification of basic preferences of each of the four dichotomies specified or implicit in Jung's theory:

Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).

Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).

Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).

Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

The first three times I took the test, I consistently sorted into the INFJ category. This last time, I was sorted into the ESFJ. I didn't think that was possible to shift from introversion to extraversion as well as from intuition to sensing. 

In large part, I think the outcome has to do with the fact that the MBTI and the KTS-II are two different instruments based on two theories, although Keirsey Temperaments build upon the 16 categories defined by MBTI. The first three times I took the MBTI, while this last time, I took the KTS-II. Secondarily, I wouldn't be surprised if I have evolved somewhat, and it's also a matter of degrees. Once you exceed 50% on a particular dichotomy, you become dominant in one dimension over the other. This does not mean that I no longer experience intuition for example, but just that sensing plays a greater role most of the time. As for the fact that I scored over 90% in extraversion, well, there's no explanation for that really. 

Worth checking out, I think, to find out who you are.

Punchlines

I had no idea you and I shared a love for...

...dust. Can't get enough of the stuff!

Chasing your food

Other proprietors of deliciousness appear to be jumping on the proverbial bandwagon and selling their wares in transit. I just realized that this is just a glorified ice-cream truck, but unlike the roach coaches of yester-year, what distinguishes this phenomenon is the fact that the food is excellent. It is in fact gourmet. 

What strikes me odd is that it is taking a well-established brand, such as Sprinkles Cupcakes, and utilizing a ghetto means of delivery to make it available to pockets of civilization throughout southern California. But in these hard times, a business person would be prudent to explore any and all viable options of staying in business. It is the American way, after all. 

So the business model of mobile food dictates much lower overhead (lease payments for a 4,000 sq. ft. store front in prime location vs. lease payments on a van or truck, utilities and maintenance vs. gas money, etc.). Without penciling out the precise figures, it's a money-saver. 

But more than that, this is a marketing windfall. Utilizing Twitter updates to blast followers as to the whereabouts of the @sprinklesmobile increases their customer base as well as achieve operational efficiencies by matching supply more closely with demand for your food and reducing inventory costs. 

Granted I may be among the first 1,327 followers thus far. But rest assured, after the 500 free cupcake giveaway at LA's The Grove this afternoon, that number will grow exponentially. Rest assured.

Punchlines

Which country has the most entertaining government?

1. Oh, they all do. There are so many parties.

2. The US for sure. You can place bets on which old fogey will doze off first.

3. The Canadian. Where else can you demand a strip search of your mayor at two in the morning? 

Must wear hats

This year I am participating in a particularly British fashion tradition and donning a Royal Ascot Ladies Hat (replete with peacock feathers) for a wedding to be held in a few weeks in London. 

The Royal Ascot, which dates back to 1711, is one of the world's most famous race meetings. It is a major event in the British social calendar, and much like the red-carpet pre-show coverage of the Oscars, the press coverage of the attendees and what they are wearing often exceeds coverage of the actual racing. 

Within the Royal Enclosure, a strict dress code is enforced. Male attendees must wear full morning dress including a top hat, whilst ladies must not show bare midriff or shoulders and must wear hats. 

Over 300,000 people make the annual visit to Berkshire during Royal Ascot week. The real spectacle of Royal Ascot is the fashion parade of Ladies' Day. Hats are de riguer and they range from the bizarre to the beautiful. But usually, the more outrageous the better. I was tempted to wear a can of Campbell's soup on my head to make a statement, but then I found out that it was already featured in Philip Treacy's 2003 collection. How gauche of me! 

Today is the final day of pageantry, and yes, of course, racing. 

Punchlines

I wish my cat could understand English. 'Cos then I could ask him...

Would you give a guy a foot massage?

  

God bless the chickpea

I don't know about you, but I go through these streaks of inexplicable obsessions over particular foods. I blame the media. Sometimes these inspirations will take place as I am watching a show and a particular character is eating a particular food and I think to myself, I want that. I need that. Why am I not eating that? Such was the case when I saw the Friends episode from Season 7 The One with All The Cheesecakes. 

Chandler: But I already opened the box, and you can't return the box after you've opened the box.

Rachel: Why not?

Chandler: (whining) Because it's too delicious!

Ahh, the power of suggestion.

I merely use this an example to illustrate my latest obsession, which is over the chickpea. Now I don't know who invented hummus, and in fact, nobody knows, but whoever did so was a genius! What is hummus?

Hummus (a transliteration of the Arabic: حمّص‎; also spelled hamos, houmous, hommos, hommus, hummos, hummous orhumus; see romanization of Arabic) is a Levantine Arab dip or spread made from cooked, mashed chickpeas, blended withtahini, olive oil, lemon juice, salt and garlic. It is a popular food in various local forms throughout the Middle Eastern world and elsewhere.

Those who research culinary history have carried on folklore suggesting that hummus is one of the oldest known prepared foods. It has a long history in the Middle East, which stretches back to antiquity, but its historical origins are unknown.

You knew it was just a matter of time before I posted a recipe. Well, without further ado...

Hummus

Source: Gourmet, October 1988

 

Ingredients

4 garlic cloves 

1 teaspoon salt 

two 1-pound 3-ounce cans chick-peas, drained and rinsed 

2/3 cup well stirred tahini 

1/4 cup fresh lemon juice, or to taste 

1/2 cup olive oil, or to taste 

1/4 cup fresh parsley leaves 

2 tablespoons pine nuts, toasted lightly  

Preparation

On a cutting board mince and mash the garlic to a paste with the salt. In a food processor purée the chick-peas with the garlic paste, the tahini, the lemon juice, 1/4 cup of the oil, and 1/2 cup water, scraping down the sides, until the hummus is smooth and add salt to taste. Add water, if necessary, to thin the hummus to the desired consistency and transfer the hummus to a bowl. In the food processor, cleaned, purée the remaining 1/4 cup oil with the parsley until the oil is bright green and the parsley is minced transfer the parsley oil to a small jar. The hummus and the parsley oil may be made 3 days in advance and kept covered and chilled. Divide the hummus between shallow serving dishes and smooth the tops. Drizzle the hummus with the parsley oil and sprinkle it with the pine nuts. Serve the hummus with the pita.

Well, I predict a resurgence of hummus after its forthcoming appearance in the movie, Bruno. In it, hummus is featured when Bruno purposely confuses Hummus and Hamas in an interview with Israeli and Palestinian scholars, creating much confusion.

Punchlines 

I think the Lakers is a funny name for a basketball team. Why don't they just call them the Rivers or... 

...the Ponders would be good. So how do you lake something? You fill it with water and put rednecks all around it?

Speaking in Code

As you take a tour of this blog, you will notice that the trailer for Speaking in Code will become somewhat of a permanent fixture on this home page. While it was several years in the making, I only recently became active with this project several months ago when I found out it would be dedicated to Tim Haslett, an old friend who passed away suddenly in 2008. 

Though he would never have made these claims, Tim did in fact catalyze a movement in the late 80s/early 90s to introduce electronic and techno music from Europe, which ironically originated in Detroit but was shunned in the US. I met Tim in college, and he - more than anyone else - helped to shape who I am today:  my taste in music, my perspective on the world, and my preference for Earl Grey tea. Listen to Tim on WZBC and WZLY which can be found on Blancodisco.

Fast forward to today and the Speaking in Code project. 

This film reveals a series of six character studies and vérité views of electronic music, in an intimate way not seen since The Decline of Western Civilization opened up the world of the LA punk scene. It's a window into a world filled with warehouse parties, endless gigs, international travel, risks, inventions, triumphs and breakdowns. It's a story about the electronic music scene told from the inside-out:  intimate, raw, and vivid.

Speaking in Code was an official selection in the 2009 Boston International Film Festival and will continue to be screened at music and film festivals throughout the world in 2009. Sign up on the website or on Facebook for further details. 

Punchlines

WTF?? You promised there would be no guns...

...being fired while having sex.

Yes, yippee kai yay, I couldn't help myself. If I promise to put away the gun, will you promise to put away the meat mallet?

 

  

One Cat Two Cat Red Cat Blue Cat

The BlueCat Screenwriting Competition announced the quarter finalists for 2009. This represents 20% of the 3,200 submissions this year. Among these include quite a few Trigger Street writers: 

Amazing Gracie by Pat Ames

Out Of Nowhere by Miriam Paschal and Ron Aberdeen

Out of Sync by Irin Evers

Principles of Buoyancy by Bob Thielkie

Time's Fool by William Gammon

Pure by Jeff R. Williams

The Breakup Artists by Gary Milin

Bordering On Insanity by Kent Murray

Buried South of Galatians, Wedding Knight, and Horror Comic by Stephen Hoover

In The Frost Killing Hour by Indigo Thomas

The Shadow Hill Massacre by Steven DeGennaro and Rob Bass

Project Death Rattle and Shard by Chris Simons

Scam by Ross McQueen

Of Wolf and Man by Jeffrey Boggio

Deleted Scenes by Tyler Theofilos

Kolkata Knight by RJ Maher

The Song And The Wound and The Eternity Bomb by Anthony Dodd

The Life and Death of Dr. Fritz Gerlich by Paul Clingan

Imaginary Friends by John Stacari

Our Own Be Won by Jared Cole Shipley

Ailbion by Blaise Hesselgren

Condolences to those who did not place, and heart felt congratulations to those who did! Job well done, I should say!!

Punchlines

Speaking of Applebees...

I have simplified their menu even more... not sure, though, just how many patrons fancy using a flowchart and an abacus.

Pain is French bread

In the continuing saga of the battle of the sexes, the following issue inevitably arises: Who has a higher tolerance for pain? Who does indeed? 

Some suggest women do. Women who suffer through childbirth have demonstrated an ability to withstand more pain. If any man argues this point, try passing a watermelon through your butt. QED right? In fact, there are clinical differences between the sexes that enable each gender to tolerate pain. Dr. Oz on Oprah did a segment on this and the findings suggest: Men's testosterone helps them with pain except when women are experiencing childbirth and are helped with the pain by release of extra estrogen. 

Other research suggests biological differences between the sexes. It turns out women in fact have more nerve endings: 34 nerve fibers per square centimeter than men, who average 17. Thus, women have an ability to feel more pain sensations and do not benefit from testosterone to ameliorate pain and suffering. If you ask me, that kinda blows.

Don't even get me started on the things that women do on a day-to-day basis that falls under the category of discomfort let alone pain - under-wire bras, thongs, tweezing, waxing, high heels, botox, nose jobs, boob jobs, etc. - in the name of maintaining western societal definitions of femininity and beauty. Pah! Show me a guy willing to put up with any of that without whining like a baby.

While there will continue to be research and debate, my curiosity is satisfied. On a day-to-day basis, women have got the short end of the stick when it comes to physical pain. 

Next time this topic comes up, I think I will discuss the other "pain" that is "le pain" or French bread.

Punchlines

Spotted owls are cute but deadly. Striped owls on the other hand...

...despite widely held beliefs... smell worse than raccoon farts.

It's not just about the cookies

On Sunday, I attended the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles inaugural Gold Awards ceremony. It's an inaugural event for greater LA because it signifies the first event held after 6 regional councils across southern California were merged. 

Many people are not familiar with the Gold Awards. Like becoming an Eagle Scout, the Gold Awards is the highest individual achievement for a Girl Scout, which is usually two years in the making, comprised of 65 hours of community service. Combined, the 255 girls contributed over 17,000 hours of community service. Here are some examples:

Tied with Love - attempted to bring awareness to the plight of the invisible children of Uganada to the community.

Balancing the Water - discovered specific pollutants in the Dunsmore Canyon Stream, a tributary to the LA River and publicized her findings to increase awareness and effect change in the community.

Help Save a Life - increase awareness and registration for under-represented Asians on the national marrow registry.

Clean Burning Stoves - a project to build and install new stoves and chimneys into homes in Peru. She filmed her documentary as well.

I'm quite proud of the achievement of these Angelinas: 19% of those eligible to earn a Gold Award in Los Angeles received one yesterday, which far exceeds the national average of 4.5%.

It was a terrific celebration of achievement to demonstrate character, courage, and community. Many if not all have developed skills in decision making, leadership, setting priorities, etc. that took me decades to learn. But I suppose I'm a late bloomer. So much more will they achieve in life, which fills me with hope. 

Now, about those cookies. Thin mint, anyone?

Punchlines

Fifty years from now and you look back on your life, don't you want to admit that you...

...partied backstage with Bananarama? No...not really.

 

Beat(en) Generation

How much of who we are is defined by the people around us? Who are these people around us anyway? Are we largely also defined by the generation in which we are born? 

In 1991, Strausse and Howe published Generation, a book which describes an Anglo-American history which follows saecula (seasonal cycles). 

1883-1900 Lost Generation 

1901-1913 Interbellum Generation

1914-1924 Greatest Generation

1925-1939 Silent Generation

1943-1960 Baby Boom Generation

1961-1981 Generation X

1982-2000 Millennial Generation (Gen Y)

2001-present New Silent Generation (Gen Z)

I'm a Gen-Xer, which means in my youth I grew up with Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush in office. My political experience was shaped by witnessing the end of the cold war and the fall of the Berlin wall. My generation saw the inception of the home computer, the rise of video games, CDs and DVDs, the ubiquity of cellphones, the discovery and spread of the Internet for social and commercial purposes, dot.com businesses, MTV, grunge, hip hop music and culture, and AIDS. 

My generation is preceded by the Baby Boom Generation, the veritable pig in a python generation, and succeeded by the Millennial Generation (a.k.a. Generation Y), comprised of digital babies that are accustomed to instant gratification that comes through instant communication technologies (email, texting, IM, Facebook, Twitter and such). 

I like that we bridge such disparate generations. We're the glue that keeps families together. We have just enough historical context to be grounded and just enough savvy to succeed in the 21st Century.

  

“Beat(en) Generation” by The The   

When you cast your eyes upon the skylines 

Of this once proud nation 

Can you sense the fear and the hatred 

Growing in the hearts of its population   

And our youth, oh youth, are being seduced 

by the greedy hands of politics and half truths   

The beaten generation, the beaten generation 

Reared on a diet of prejudice and mis-information 

The beaten generation, the beaten generation 

Open your eyes, open your imagination   

We're being sedated by the gasoline fumes 

and hypnotised by the satellites 

Into believing what is good and what is right   

You may be worshipping the temples of mammon 

Or lost in the prisons of religion 

But can you still walk back to happiness 

When you've nowhere left to run?   

And if they send in the special police 

To deliver us from liberty and keep us from peace   

Then won't the words sit ill upon their tongues 

when they tell us justice is being done 

and that freedom lives in the barrels of a warm gun

Punchlines

Well, that'll be the day...

...the earth stood still. Silence envelopes the world. Suddenly a whisper, the faintest sound you've ever heard and then the cataclysmic fumes begin to roll towards you from the distant horizon where you see a small speck: a bashful raccoon.

Wooly mammoths

Each week I download the podcast of Scotland's Funny Bits from BBC Radio Scotland. While I don't always faithfully listen to it, I have much of it cued up. 

I was quite taken with the first episode that I encountered, a portion of which I have transcribed below. This is of course a poor substitute for the audio experience. If anyone can locate the link for archived shows, I'll provide it here as well. It's really funny stuff!

Scotland's Funny Bits: Ping Pong Balls, Thanksgiving and VAT (air date 11/28/2008)

John Paul Sumner, curator and scientist at the Kelvingrove Museum in Glasgow explained how to bring back the wooly mammoth.

John: If you wanted to go for the whole thing to clone a mammoth, you would take your mammoth DNA, put it inside an elephant's egg cell, put that back in the elephant, leave it for about 22 months to cook, and then lo and behold--

Fred: Gas mark, 4.

John: Yes! Gas mark, elephant... and low and behold, what you'd get is a wooly mammoth being born about 2 years later... much to the surprise of the elephant!

Fred: I would think so, yeah! A wooly one, hmm? 

John: How'd that happen? 

Fred: You know the elephants would say, "They say we never forget, but I've obviously blanked that one out me mind!"

And this is Fred's theory...

Fred: Maybe the mammoth became extinct because it was a pest! 

John: Well, possibly... and just annoying...

Fred: I was here sitting down for a picnic...

John: Just irritating!

(A mammoth trumpets in the background.)

Fred: Aww, no! Mammoths! Have you got mammoth repellant? I've got me SP-15 Mammoth Repellant Cream on. They'll be away in a minute.

Post script: I just wanted to give a shout out to visitors from Sweden, Portugal, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Vietnam and India (Hi, Thierry).

Punchlines

What do you call a raccoon that farts on an elephant or something?

The long and the short of it is this. The whole cross-breeding experiment the other night had gone awry. I mean things really got f*cked up. I don't know if it was deep-sixed or what, but no one's saying a word about it. Not a word. The only reminder we have of that night is, well, the ever-present fumes from the raccoon.

 

Look out London

It's been almost a year since I've planted my two feet on foreign soil. The last time was a fairly spectacular affair, attending the Olympics in Beijing in 2008 to watch my friends win gold medals (Todd and Phil) again (Misty and Kerri). Prior to that, I'd say that I hadn't been outside the US since attending Cannes in 2007. In my opinion, these trips are happening much too infrequently. I really must do something about this! 

In a former life, I traveled extensively and I loved every minute of it. My first glimpse at travel was a business trip to Milan during Fashion Week, and it was then that I discovered northern Italian cuisine: authentic osso bucco. Yum-o! I then traveled with my best friend for 10 days throughout northern Spain in July where we ran with the bulls in Pamplona, took in modern art in Bilbao, strolled along the beaches in San Sebastian in addition to taking in the sights in Madrid and Barcelona. Jamon, anyone?

Then, I was blessed with the opportunity to circumnavigate the globe three times in two years. Two times heading west and one time heading east. All in all, I've taken in so much of the world, and hope one day to travel at least once to each continent. Yes, even antarctica. Perhaps I ought to find a job that will pay me to travel. 

I mention this because I will be traveling to Europe once again in about a month and am very much looking forward to it. I will try my hand at blogging about traveling, food, and writing while on the road, so stay tuned. Perhaps this will parlay into a TV travel show on the Food Network. Hey, there's no harm dreaming, is there?

Punchlines

What do you get if you cross a raccoon with an elephant?

A wooly mammoth with a clever mask, I suppose.

I've lost my voice!

In reality, I'm not quite sure I have a voice when it comes to writing. What does it mean to have a voice? Why is it important as a screenwriter? Two seasoned writers chimed in with their thoughts to my query. Their interpretation resonated with me and I thought it would be helpful for you as well.

Bob commented that what moves a good story from being a good story to one that sticks in people's minds? A unique voice. He went on to write, "It's the colors your language paints. If it's a comedy, it's the humor you inject into your writing. Mundane narrative isn't going to cut it. Great specs and great scripts from established writers all do the same thing, they create a mood, they let you get inside your charcters heads, they let you see the movie in your head. Don't be afraid to use unconventional language, know what's meant by show don't tell, don't fear an occasional unfilmable to show an actor a window to their soul."

Steve chimed in as well, "I think a unique voice is difficult to craft (much harder than plot or dialogue, for example). I'm starting to think that voice is mysterious and indescribable, until you start to use it, and then bit by bit things fall into place. 

Here are some assorted ramblings: 

Voice conveys the attitude the writer has toward the world of the script. Are you sarcastic about your characters? Do you admire the bravery of your protagonist? Do you think love is the only thing worth living for, etc. 

Voice is the kind of names you give your characters, whether you identify them by their first or last name. It's how much humor you use, and when. 

If you write 2 different scripts with different worlds (e.g., drama vs. comedy), you may have very different attitudes, but voice isn't just about the attitude toward / description of the world, it's also about the control you have over your voice, the confidence you have in your ability to deliver the world to your audience, and even your attitude toward the audience. 

Voice doesn't necessarily mean loudness, and it certainly doesn't mean copying people who are famous for their voice."

Aptly put, gentlemen. Now, please excuse me as I continue to log in my requisite 10,000 hours before I master this craft.

Punchlines

I hereby do solemnly swear that the evidence I shall give will be...

A. Written only with acronyms

B. Require microscopes to examine

C. Smell worse than a raccoon fart

D. Be completely convoluted, contradictory and confusing

E. All of the above

Twisted Nursery Rhymes

As I have been known on occasion to write lyrics to Stella Artois, so also have I taken to rewrite nursery rhymes but to give it my own twist. 

Jack and Jill went up a hill 

To fetch a kiss or two.

Jack went down and went around

And Jill groaned and came, too.

Happy, Jack and Jill drove home

As fast as he could take her.

They went to bed and tried again

He then paid her gold and silver.

Punchlines

I remember the days when people would throw me...

...away. They kept saying it wasn't personal but I don't believe them.

Going global

I can’t tell you how excited I am that this blog has gone global. Global, baby, global! If I may take you on a little tour around this blog, allow me to point out a few items. 

Every once in a while, I discover a gadget to add. First it was a French phrase of the day, because I wanted to learn French idioms, which are not typically taught in classrooms. Then it was a visitor counter. That was pretty cool, but also fairly easy to manipulate as each time I craft an article and check to see the results, it counts as a visit. There was one day that my visitor counter jumped by about 80. I thought that was cool because I know that wasn't me. I don't have OCD. Wait, let me check.

My latest gadget is this clever little map which visually conveys information about where visitors to this site originate. Most likely you'll have found this site because I migrated you from receiving a "Joke of the Day" by AIM or you found me via Trigger Street or Twitter.

It appears that visitors aren't just my pals in Los Angeles, but cyberpals around the world. Los Angeles, Kansas City (just a guess for the speck in the Midwest), and presumably Philadelphia were the first dots to appear, then followed by Portland, Paris France and somewhere in Switzerland (Miss Topanga, is that you?). Bonjour mes amis, bienvenue!

As of last night's overnight tallies, it appears I have cyberpals in the Bay Area (Hi Bob!), and I’m just eyeballing this so I would venture to guess… Toronto, Houston, Orlando, and London – tally ho! I’m pleased as punch you are bothering to visit. Je suis absolument heureux!

The stakes have gone up, I’d say. Because I am quantitatively oriented, I have added another new feature at the end of each post. You may check a box if you consider the day's blog to be interesting, cool or funny.  I will try to refrain from checking the boxes myself so the feedback is accurate unlike the visitor count. 

You do realize of course that this will only give me a reason to start posting in a few different languages now, don't you? Zhe shi xin! (It's true!) Vraiment! (Truly!)

Punchlines

Do you think we hurt his...

...feelings? Nah. All he can feel is annoyed or itchy.

Come-back kid

Despite my dabbling in fiction, I have to admit that drama - true drama - is played out on the basketball courts, the golf courses, the baseball diamonds, the beach sand courts, etc. throughout the world. Take this weekend for instance.

On Saturday, the Dodgers lost the lead at the top of the 6th (1-2), Furcal homered in the 9th to tie it up, and then Ethier homered in the bottom of the 12th to win (3-2) over the Phillies. I don't remember the last time the players rushed the field in a regular season game, do you?

On Sunday, Tiger Woods who was 4 strokes down shot a final-round, seven-under par 65  to come from behind and win at Memorial Tournament this weekend. Unbelievable. 

It was a defensive struggle and a low scoring game in the first half from both sides. With .06 seconds left in regulation, Orlando rookie Courtney Lee had a clean layup under the basket, but it did not tip in. The Lakers then scored 13-8 in overtime to win it and they now lead 2-0 in the Finals. 

I once asked a professional athlete where they are mentally when they are down. If the lead is significant, athletes could get in their heads, psyche themselves out, and give up. If the lead is within reach, it becomes an inch-by-inch struggle to win. 

I am in awe of athletes and their mental toughness. To pull out wins such as these is a lesson for us all. These come from behind victories in Act 3 really are a thing of beauty. You can't script drama like that, you really can't. 

Punchlines

I miss the good ol' days when friends were friends. Now they're an odd hybrid, aren't they? A cross between...

...a hug machine, a good listener, and a raging horn dog.

I heart Yogurtland

I don’t understand the appeal of Pinkberry. I never have. Friends and loved ones have dragged me there over the years and I always pass. It’s tart in an unnatural way. If I wanted something tart, I would have Greek yogurt. Something real. But if I’m gonna splurge on the calories to eat something resembling soft serve ice-cream, it better taste like ice-cream and call itself yogurt. Capiche?

A few weeks ago, my friend Shannon introduced me to Yogurtland. Such a superior flavor profile I tell you. Not only that, but their yogurts do contain active live cultures: S. Thermophilus, L. Bulgaricus, and L. Acidophilus. Sounds like a Latin playbill, doesn’t it? As for the calories, they range from 96-132 calories per ½ cup (84 grams). 

Why is Yogurtland better than Pinkberry? Yogurtland offers:

• 12 choices of flavors instead of 2
  
• fresh fruit toppings and dry toppings galore
  
• 30 cents per ounce, so you don’t feel ripped off paying $5
  
• self-serve yogurt and toppings so you get exactly what you want and how much you want
  

My current flavor combination is: peanut butter, coconut and Dutch chocolate with peanuts, coconuts, and sliced almonds.

They are currently located in California, Hawaii, Nevada, New York, Texas and Arizona. I wrote them to see if they would open one up in my house soon. I’ll keep you posted.

Punchlines

Why is it last but not least... it totally must be least... sorry but someone had to say it.

It came from the theatre: an introduction often on stage indicating that the person announced last is no less important than those introduced earlier. But clearly they are, otherwise they wouldn't be last.