Christmas Hamm

It's been years since I've been to Filene's Basement or lived in Boston. Anyway as I was doing research on the Christmas Hamm story, I was a little sad to discover that the original Downtown Crossing location had been closed. So as a result, I suppose this story serves a few purposes: to memorialize my love for bacon and to bid farewell to a Boston shopping tradition.

Punchlines

Dear A'bay: Don't you think it's a little early for radio stations to start playing carols this season?

Not at all. It's after Thanksgiving, we're just a couple weeks again from Christmas and Tiger gets to play with Carols everywhere, regardless of the season. So lighten up there, Scrooge.

Caroling, caroling

It's about that time of year and I thought I would share an updated carol. Enjoy!

Ode to Stella Artois (sung to Winter Wonderland)

Cell phones ring, are you listening,
At the bar, chicks are drinking
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Chugging lots of Stella Artois pints.

Gone away are the blue balls,
Here to stay is the new call
He signals a play,
We enter the fray,
Chugging lots of Stella Artois pints.

In the alley we can draft a wingman,
and pretend that he is Jackson Browne

He'll say: Are you ready?
We'll say: No man.
But can you get me in
when you're in there?

Later on, we'll conspire,
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
The plans that we've made,
Chugging lots of Stella Artois pints.

At the table, we can have some Stellas,
And pretend that we’re too cool for school
We'll have lots of fun with sloppy drunk chicks,
Until one cock blocks you and knocks you down.

At last call, ain't it thrillin',
Though your nose is a bleedin’
We'll order a round, the ex-wingman’s way,
Chugging lots of Stella Artois pints.

Punchlines

Everyone here should learn something from what has happened here today. Except Jenkins of course because he...

...was in the bathroom, learning what not to eat at lunch.

Read the labels

These days, dating like grocery shopping involves a lot of reading. The love of your life is rarely content to just be, and instead, should include dozens of labels designating him/her as NATURAL, ORGANIC or the dreaded CAGE-FREE. And even if you know your CERTIFIED from your HUMANELY-RAISED lovers, odds are you still need a PhD to decode most of the other language. So, to make navigating your love life on dating websites a tad easier, here are these labels, defined and explained in terms understandable to humans.

ALL-NATURAL / NATURAL / 100% NATURAL

What it means: In regards to women, NATURAL means the body appears relatively close to its natural state, and often won’t have additives like silicon implants, Botox or pacemakers.

What it really means: With the exception of women, slapping NATURAL on a man is a marketing ploy. Everything about a man essentially derives from nature, so there’s a ton of fudging that can be done. Don’t trust the label, and read every look, grunt and scowl before you date.

CAGE-FREE

What it means: Homeless

What it really means: These people are completely deluded and walk around completely psychotic.

CERTIFIED

What it means: Congratulations! Ex-lovers have acknowledged that your choice is actually worthy of dating.

What it really means: Ex-lovers gave your paramour a grade and a class, and certified that he/she hasn’t been replaced with a billy goat.

ENRICHED / FORTIFIED (Added, Extra, Plus)

What it means: A nutrient (steroid, andro, Viagra, etc.) has been added to your lover. Now, compared to a standard, non-fortified lover, he has at least 10% more of the Daily Value of that nutrient.

What it really means: It varies. A lover can add a ton of Cialis to his game, and set you up for life. Or the same guy can slip a measly 10% andro into his workout, and it barely makes a dent. Read the label to see you’re getting the amount you want.

FREE-RANGE

What it means: A term usually applied to women or as they say in the U.K., birds. FREE-RANGE means birds have access to an outside area. That’s it.

What it really means: Essentially, FREE-RANGE often means birds are raised in a convent, and given a tiny patch of lawn that they rarely, if ever, use. The FREE-RANGE label means virtually their whole lives they have had no human contact. Not even down there.

FRESH

What it means: Pretty much, FRESH men and women are raw and untouched. They have never been frozen by icy stares or warmed by flattery. They also don’t have any preservatives.

What it really means: Hey! This is an actual thing! Who knew? A person labeled FRESH is just about as interesting as belly lint, which is surprisingly not fresh. You pretty much get what you expect. Nice.

GRAIN FED / GRASS FED

What it means: Grain is the primary diet of most Americans. It’s meant to produce fatter people who grow and can be laughed at much faster than nature allows. GRASS FED people (while I’m not sure there’s an official designation) are generally raised entirely on pasture grass, and are also called potheads.

What it really means: While I’m led to believe GRASS FED people are a better lay, I’m actually a little hazy on this one. Can anyone clarify?

GUILT-FREE (Wholesome, Traditional)

What it means: Absolutely nothing.

What it really means: It’s a made-up word to make you want to go on a first date with GUILT-FREE guys. Ignore this category of person entirely.

HEALTHY

What it means: Simply, “A HEALTHY lover must be low in fat and contain limited amounts of neuroses and psychoses.”

What it really means: Wow. As in the case with FRESH, I didn’t know this was an actual thing. I assumed it was a spurious claim made by parents. But it’s actually very real, and leaves little open to interpretation.

HORMONE-FREE

What it means: Nothing. Based on my experience, it can’t be proved.

What it really means: Men and women are supposed to have hormones anyway, so be on the lookout if they claim they don’t.

HUMANELY-RAISED

What it means: In regard to lovers for which it’s meant, almost nothing. It’s not a regulated definition.

What it really means: While there’s some effort by smaller groups to get standards together, it’s not completely there yet. In the meantime, look for the HEALTHY or 100% NATURAL label, which means the people “were allowed to engage in natural behaviors,” had room to move around, had fresh water and a no-hormone/antibiotic diet, and were handled with care during their lives.

LEAN

What it means: LEAN means the guy has less than 10% body fat; women, less than 15%. EXTRA LEAN people go even further than that.

What it really means: I did a lot of research on this a few months ago, and while boobage and butt sizes vary, a LEAN label is good news for anyone other than Sir Mix-a-lot. Look for it, but be careful to check the psychosis content while you’re at it. Some of them could be marathoners and have no time for you.

LIGHT / LITE

What it means: There are two definitions: A) the woman has 50% less fat than her regular equivalent, or B) the guy has 33% less staying power than his regular equivalent.

What it really means: These paramours may be a better choice than their full-fat or full-power version, but it’s not necessarily healthy.

NO ADDED SUGAR

What it means: Women haven’t put any additional sugar to coat their lies.

What it really means: There still may be artificial sweeteners or naturally occurring sugars within their lies. They just don’t need extra sweetness.

NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS, FLAVORS OR PRESERVATIVES

What it means: Your paramour is made entirely from natural ingredients.

What it really means: Well, it depends on your definition of “natural.” Is teeth bleaching natural or anal bleaching, for that matter? What about the Botox around her eyes or his calf lifts? If a date is enriched with more Viagra, does that count? While this label points towards good things, a quick scan of the ingredient list will tell you everything you need to know.

ORGANIC (100% Organic, Made with organic ingredients)

What it means: There are entire books written on the topic, but it boils down to this: 100% ORGANIC people consist entirely of soylent green.

What it really means: Hoo boy. Here we go. The word “organic” is thrown around with some regularity, but parents and ex-lovers never certified that it’s any healthier than ol’ processed people. The label doesn’t guarantee any regulation as fruits and nuts may vary. However, it seems like a general consensus that organic people may be better for you. Proceed with caution.

And that's a wrap. Go forth and love discriminately.

POST SCRIPT. I was so inspired by the silliness of these label designations that I wrote a short story today, also entitled "Read the Labels." Enjoy!

Punchlines

Heidi-ho neighbor! Say... Martha and I were wondering... Are you going to be raking up those leaves in your yard anytime soon?

Just as soon as you leash your Rottweilers, neighbor.

Final stretch

Yesterday morning, I woke up to discover that my laptop had fallen into a coma. Despite all of my attempts to revive it, nada. So while this set back could have spelled disaster for this particular project, I had (luckily) gotten into the habit of emailing drafts to myself each day, so I did not lose any momentum.  This afternoon my laptop will undergo surgery; the prognosis is uncertain at the moment, but I am hoping for a speedy recovery. 

In the meanwhile, I am limping along on a temporary computer and have just completed writing the final remaining chapters in the novel. At just over 44,000 words, the outline is fully-fleshed out and the first draft of the novel is basically done. 

Cause for celebration, right? Not so fast. I need to come up with 6,000 additional words to meet the minimum 50,000-word requirement of nanowrimo. For those who are keeping track, this is about 30 pages of filler.

What to do? My options would include the following:

• add epic battle scenes filled with carnage and gore
  
• describe forests in such excruciating detail down to kingdom, phylum, class, etc.
  
• introduce more characters and complexity to the plot, only to purge them once they have served their purpose
  
• insert footnotes detailing the genealogy of each character (inserting 'begat' in every third word )
• write lyrics and have my characters spontaneously burst into song
  

And even though I am tempted to begin rewriting this novel, I am advised by published authors to abstain. Again, this is unchartered territory for me. Any advice?

Hey, would anybody like to know the color of the hem of the hero's garment during a battle?

I didn't think so.

Punchlines

Wow! Is that Mr. Rogers in your neighborhood? That is so cool...

...that he's updated his knitted sweater look for a Snuggie and a pair of Uggs.

Uluru

During NaNoWriMo, the organizers have arranged for published authors to write weekly pep talks that are emailed to participants. I find these pretty helpful, because here are people who know exactly what you're going through keeping you company and giving just the right dose of advice and wisdom to take you through your next 1,000 words.

Take for example the week 2 email from Maureen Johnson. She started her email talking about Australia, and how she's never been, always wanted to go, the fact that her friend has been trying to get her to go, etc. Of course, I'm thinking, "What does this have to do with writing? Doesn't she realize I don't have time for chit chat about travels?" But I bite my tongue and continue reading, only to discover that she is setting up Australia or more specifically Australia's geography as a metaphor for writing a novel.

You see, almost everything that's fun and exciting about Australia is located on the coasts. The novel equivalent of that is the beginning and the end. Once you wander past the city limits and the signposts disappear, the vast middle of Australia consists of poisonous snakes, sudden weather changes, and virtually no end in sight. It is a hard place to be. This is where Uluru is located, in the middle of the vast Middle of Australia and where I currently am in the writing process, which is where in fact 95% of a writer's time is spent... in the vast stinking Middle.

What's nice about NaNoWriMo is that at least I'm traveling with a posse of thousands, making our way through mountains, through the valleys, across the creeks, and fighting the beasties. And then I soon discovered that every day presents a new way of looking at my novel, a new adventure for the hero, a twist, a turn, and unexpected possibilities for my story. There are good days and there are bad days, as you can see below.

But in the end, I'm taking each day at a time. Taking each 1,000-word goal at a time, and embracing all that this process has to offer. Here are the chronicles of the past few days.

Nov 12: Once again, fell behind as life got in the way. There weren't any scenes that I could jump into quickly. (19,698 words)

Nov 13: After procrastinating a little this morning, I knocked out a great battle scene in the water. Hoping at least for an opportunity to put some more writing in at lunch. (21,429 words)

Nov 14: Getting a lot more fight scenes done, which I didn't expect I would enjoy. Need to get 3,500 words done today just to catch up. Goal is to get to 25,000 words today. Ugh. Just thinking about it 1,000 words at a time. (25,032 words)

Nov 15: Finally relaxing into the story and hoping there's enough complexity in the remaining chapters to keep the story interesting. Discovered that I shortchanged some prior chapters so I will definitely need to expand on some of them further. (27,158)

Nov 16: A cooking project sidetracked me this morning, so I only got an hour in this morning. This will require a big push tonight to make sure I stay on track. Did not get far at night. FAIL (27,897 words)

Nov 17: Goal is to get to 30,000 words today. It is strangely surreal to write when you're half asleep. Then to wake up and see what you typed in your stupor - fascinating! (30,095 words)

Nov 18: I'm seriously wondering if this story is too complex. Will probably also need to add more memorable settings as there seems to be too many generic mountains, forests and tunnels described, which could be confusing. (31,760 words)

Punchlines

You know, it's moments like these that I'm reminded of Cardinal Richelieu and his immortal words...

"I think we can settle this matter with a little tonsil hockey, don't you?"

Steady as she goes

Thought I'd give a little status update on the novel. It's been a roller coaster. I started out a little bit ahead of the daily word count minimum 1,667 words, but then fell behind which put the pressure on the weekend to make up for the slack. This week seems to be about the same, but it is something to claim having written 100 pages of anything 11 days. I kept a little log with some random thoughts each day as I concluded writing that day.

Nov 1: Feels like I can keep writing, but I want to save some excitement for tomorrow. Added some characters I didn't think I would, but not straying too far away from the plot. (2,080 words)

Nov 2: Half way through, the story is taking on added layers of complexity which is very cool. I have to stop now in the morning before work. Hopefully I can get some writing in at the office. Lots of OTN dialog which I hate. (4,186 words)

Nov 3: I should create more drama with the climactic death of Theia. The aftermath is a bit boring, but it helps to introduce the other Titans which I originally didn't think would play a significant role in this story. That's kinda cool. (5,761 words)

Nov 4: Work was super busy and I only had 3 hours of sleep. I squeezed in a couple hours at the office. The plot is expanding within the outline and I still haven't gotten to the Act 1 break. (7,509 words)

Nov 5: Ran out of time at work. Hate being behind now. (8,202 words)

Nov 6: Got a decent amount of writing in, but none of it feels good. A lot of scenes seem functional and I am introducing some story elements that don't make sense relative to the overall plot. (10,227 words)

Nov 7: Well, I don't hate it yet. There are some interesting arguments going on and I'm starting to get some of the stories back on track. Just need to keep focusing on writing two pages per beat and then move on. Just need to trust the outline. (12,054 words)

Nov 8: I am going to give in to the fact that this first draft will be really rough and a lot of things won't make sense. So I will have to refrain from overthinking things and worry about all of that in the editing phase. (14,044 words)

Nov 9: Got through a love scene that went by quickly and almost too easily. May need to tone it down depending on how this book will be marketed. Feels good to be back on schedule. (16,096 words)

Nov 10: Feeling good. Took care of a nagging plothole with a great torture scene that also revealed character. Love it! (17,461 words)

Nov 11: Really fleshed out some problem areas to smooth things over. Some interesting character development. Love when I get into a roll. (19,096 words)

Punchlines

"Take no prisoners!" He kept saying over and over to me. I understood what he meant, of course, but it didn't make any sense when all we were doing was...

...getting to fourth base in the back of his Miata.

NaNoWriMo

Each November for the past 11 years, a little non-profit organization has held a contest for all budding writers worldwide who are in desperate need of a kick in the pants to finish the greatest novel of our generation. Last year over 119,300 writers generated over 1.6 billion words during 30 days and 30 nights of literary abandon. Of those participating last year, 21,683 completed the minimum requirement of 50,000 words. This year, I will be jumping into the madness with a dramatic, epic novel with multiple storylines set in the times of ancient Greece.

  

Title: Seasons of Conflict

Genre: Fantasy

Synopsis: Helios struggles to keep his family together after his mother dies at the hands of Vesper during the Tiberian war.

Yes, there will be nymphs and goddesses. Yes, there will be alchemy and magic. Really there will be something for everyone! While I've written screenplays with multiple storylines before, plotting a novel that is literally twice the length of material that I am accustomed to writing (200 pages for a short novel vs. 100 pages for a screenplay) is proving to be a challenge. I'm not yet confident that a single plotline will hold enough interest for me to write let alone for an audience to read, and so I decided to tell four interweaving stories. 

Everyone has their own writing process, but I thought I would share mine. It's an electronic version of organizing a story with the use of scene cards. Across the top of the chart are each of the chapters, of which there are twelve. Below each of the chapters are the three acts to occur within. Each act has its own progression with every chapter ending with some sort of cliffhanger in the final scene. 

The main plot (A-story) is denoted by yellow scenes which primarily follows the arc of the hero. The B-story highlighted in green follows the villain. The outline is not yet complete and may not be by the time I begin to write on Sunday. This is a by-product of running out of time but also wanting to allow for creativity to occur during the process and not wanting the entire exercise to be writing scenes to connect the dots. I will likely write the first chapter in sequence and then write the rest out of sequence depending on which characters come to life and which scenes I am drawn to. With over 100 scene cards, I suspect I will be writing about 2 pages per scene, which is a pretty fast clip to move the characters through the scenes. 

I'm nervous and excited to get underway. I'll be back at the end of November with a link to the final product. 

Punchlines

So my hero in this story is kind of an alcoholic, smokes a lot. He's a Private Eye and he's got this once-in-a-lifetime case to solve for a wealthy attractive widow. However, I'm thinking this is all very cliche. So to make it fresh, to have us see something we've never seen before in a screenplay, I want to...

...have it all take place on a blimp. Yeah, I think that'll sell.

Ham radio

I miss Frasier. I miss great television. So I dug up this old episode of Frasier, which I digg and hope you do, too. Enjoy!

Punchlines

Dear Abby: On the top of my otherwise completely bald head is a single strand of hair about 5 feet long. I'm quite proud of my hair. It took me a long time to grow it. People say I should just give in to the inevitable, but I don't know what to do. Should I yank it or leave it? 

Slate

The following story has been submitted to the 2009 Slate short story competition.

It cracks me up every time I watch the cooking channel, and there’s some crazy BBQ contest winner gloating over his secret recipe. Some guy will go on and on about a dry rub that’s been passed on to him by his grandma, or another will be standing next to a smoker the size of a mac truck, but I know what’s what. Any recipe can be deconstructed to reveal its secret, and any guy with a smoker is compensating for something less in his life. 

What these cooks won’t divulge is what I’ve learned through practiced hands, glazing thousands of pounds of ribs and chicken in search of the perfect bite. Perfection is achieved when you create the exact ratio of sauce to meat. What cooks don’t understand about the science of taste is made up by relying on dry rubs and smokers. But they always fail. 

So when Aunt Mae passed on and left me this unassuming brush – this brush that I had seen her apply to Sunday dinner BBQs when I was growing up – I knew I had magic. Its ability to absorb sauce and then apply a consistent layer onto the meat is without equal. 

Each application of sauce is, in a word, perfect, making each bite that you take, sublime. 

There’s never been another one like it and it’s a shame not to keep it in the family. But you know how it is with kids these days: always wanting store-bought shiny things, even though they break after a week. No, I think it’s time. The brush belongs in a good home with a good family with good taste buds. 

Punchlines

"How many Western Double Angus Mushroom Cheddar Bacon Avacado Mushroom Cheddar burgers is it safe to eat for breakfast?"...

...asked the patient to the nurse, who replied, "Seriously?"

Reset Button

The first incarnation of this story had a short gestation period and was produced in a little over an hour. As reviews came in, very little compelled me to rewrite it until one intriguing idea was presented: To take out details to make this story anonymous and thus more accessible. "Pinter it up a bit" is what I sought to do. 

In addition to that change, I offered two perspectives to the story: his point of view first and then hers to serve as a counterpoint. While it isn't the non-linear storytelling genius of Kurosawa's Roshamon, it is an attempt to exercise my literary muscles.  

And so the second reincarnation of this story took a while longer. About two days I think and hopefully worthy of 15 minutes of your time. 

Punchlines

I must find another line of work. This one is going absolutely nowhere.

I think you should quit your job at Nihilists Anonymous

Skinny jeans

Just about everyone has struggled with weight loss at some point in his/her life. I don't care if you're trying to lose 5 pounds to squeeze into skinny jeans, 60 pounds accumulated over the years because you ate the same amount every day, but your metabolism slowed, or you just have a beer gut you can't get rid of. Weight loss is no laughing matter for most people. But what if it was?

This summer, I collaborated with about dozen other writers to create an anthology of short stories about weight loss. The idea originated when I was attempting to shed the last few pounds to fit into a pair of skinny jeans. My solution? Laughter. I kid you not. Laughter works the core muscles and I've got the abs to prove it. With this in mind, some fellow short story writers jumped in to offer their stories and the result is a collection of humorous stories, representing different genres of comedy: satire, parody, dark comedy, comedy of manners, slapstick, farce, and so on. I am exceedingly proud of the contributions of each of these writers. 

If you want to preview a draft, the anthology Laugh Your Way Into Skinny Jeans is available to members of Trigger Street, which is free to join.

Each chapter and synopsis are provided below. Please enjoy!

CHAPTER 1 – MAXELLA BY GEORGE SAND

Egotistical and abrasive chef Maxella Lawson lands her own television show and decides to lose weight. In so doing, she learns sometimes it's better to look good *and* feel good.

CHAPTER 2 – DEAR DESSERT - A LUST STORY BY T. ROB

Breaking up is hard to do.

 

CHAPTER 3 – THE PROPOSAL BY MIKE WOLFSON

Who said romance was dead?

CHAPTER 4 – THE GUEST BY CROSSWORD

Old world meets new in a little tale of defying the status quo.

CHAPTER 5 – ABSOLUTELY FLAB-U-LOSS BY LEEMANCHEE

 

CHAPTER 6 – MAUDLIN NINA BY CHAVADEN

An overweight health care worker comes to term with her stereotype image.

CHAPTER 7 – THEY CALL ME ITTY BITTY BY THE3RR

Man seeks woman. Man deceives woman. Man must now fix problem created by deception or lose woman. Will he do it? Man not too bright. Read on.

CHAPTER 8 – THE HEALTH SPA FOR LOST SOULS BY LOREMASTER

Two entrepreneurs overstep their bounds due to their gambling addictions. One turns out to be a big time cheater (in more ways than one!), while the victim must fight back with all his wiles... and a staff with very sick senses of humor.

CHAPTER 9 – SHRINK TO FIT BY GEORGE SAND

A day in the life of Skinny Jeans.

CHAPTER 10 – WEAKNESS FOR SWEETNESS BY ANGELB

 

CHAPTER 11 – INCOGNITO BY CROSSWORD  

An unhappy gossip columnist flies to Mexico to scoop an exclusive interview with an elusive author. And in her family, the only way to get what you want is via deceitful means.

CHAPTER 12 – ODE TO SKINNY JEANS BY KKATHERINE     

 

CHAPTER 13 – MAKING BRANDO SMILE BY BMADDOX       

A lonely woman finds love and (weight) loss exceeding her wildest dreams.

CHAPTER 14 – THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE BY AWOHNOUT

Punchlines

And exactly why should I put up with your tantrums again?

Three reasons I suppose: You like me. We work well together. I am your boss.

Leaving Las Vegas

This year's AVP King and Queen of the Beach competition was held at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas and it was a scorcher. Pool play started on Thursday with the top 16 individual players competing in a round robin format to emerge into Round 2, where 8 players continued on to compete for one of two spots in the finals. Phil Dalhausser and Jen Kessey were crowned King and Queen of the Beach. Woohoo!

During this same weekend, Phil, Niki and I spent a brief afternoon at the aquarium, and this is what we came across.

Black tip reef shark

Lion fish (venemous and dangerous)

Jelly fish

Punchlines

So the other day, I'm in for my weekly enema, and all of a sudden, the administrator sneezes and sends my...

...loose stool colliding with my shy testicle. It was like a depraved game of billiards but without the sorority chicks.

Osteria Mozza

Italian food never tasted so good. I had the pleasure of dining this week at Osteria Mozza and I now know what all the hype is about. It was the kind of place in which you are tempted to order one of each, literally. Take for example the free-standing Mozzarella Bar. That's right! Nancy Silverton prepares a wide array of mozzarella, burrata, bocconcini, strachiatella along side prosicutto, speck, bacon and more. If there's ever a winning combination, burrata and bacon has gotta be it. Here's a rundown of what we ate that night:

Antipasti

Burrata with bacon, marinated escarole & caramelized shallot

Caprese with bufala mozzarella, oven-dried tomatoes & basil 

Primi

Ricotta Gnudi with chantrelles and spinach

Tagliatelle with oxtail ragu

Secondi

Crisp Duck al Mattone with pear mostarda & Brussels sprouts

Beef Brasato with polenta & horseradish gremolata

Dolci

Panna cotta vanille with fruit compote and nuts

Burrata with bacon, marinated escarole & caramelized shallot

Beef Brasato with polenta & horseradish gremolata

Punchlines

Grammy, I'm sick and tired of you calling me dipshit all the time. Why can't you be like other grandmothers and call me...

...my precious.

Burnin' up

Fire season is upon us in Los Angeles. Most of the news has done a really good job of freaking out people around the world so I thought I'd share some specifics, most of which is reported by the California Division of Forestry on their incident website and this information is updated frequently throughout the day.

First, here is a time-lapse video of what we're up against with Station Fire, positioned just north of Los Angeles in the foothills. As of this posting, the Station Fire is 5% contained. There's some debate as to whether these types of fire is good for the chaparral habitat or not. I'm no expert, but I'll try to synthesize what I have learned so far.

Some folks will argue that fire is good and fire suppression is bad. Fire suppression can lead to an overabundance of vegetation creating dangerous levels of fuels in California wildlands. While this may be true for some forestland (particularly in dry ponderosa forests in the southwest), it is not true for California chaparral.   

The fires ablaze in the foothills just north of Los Angeles is bad fire, the kind that destroy the natural resources that we enjoy. So this fire is bad, plain and simple.

It does however create some pretty awesome sunsets. 

Punchlines

Quit poking me, will ya?

I will not stop until you listen. Get a flu shot! Okay (poke poke) ... get one!

It is a well known fact that 17 out of every 10 Americans will get Swine Flu next month.

Chicago is

my kind of town, Chicago is

my kind of people too...

This weekend in Chicago was pretty relaxing. Unlike my other weekenders, I didn't run about the city in search of the best dessert, deep dish pie, etc. I was kickin' it at the W Hotel mostly taking goofy photos and such. 

AVP Men's final with John Hyden talking to Sean Scott.

Heather Cox interviews Todd Rogers on Universal Sports.

View of AVP Chicago event from The Drake.

View of clouds from the W Hotel.

Punchlines

Geez, do I have to repeat everything to you?

(signing) Yes please. As you know, I am deaf. But if you want to keep pointing out my disabilities, then that's obviously just fine, you heartless bastard.

The Bah-studs

So, last weekend along with about 3.5 million other people, I watched Inglourious Basterds. No doubt QT is butchering the English language in yet another way with the alternative spelling of "inglorious", let alone "bastards". I thought I'd add my own plumy version since we're at it.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie, which featured riveting protracted scenes which amped up the tension throughout. Even after the cathartic denouement in Act 3, the movie still stayed with me. It took me a good half hour or so for the adrenaline rush to abate. 

Col. Hans Landa was a delicious character to play, I'm sure, by the uber-talented, multi-lingual Austrian actor, Christoph Waltz. 

For a war movie, Basterds had me in stitches as well. Here's an example of Brad Pitt's pragmatic character, Lt. Aldo Raine: You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business; we in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, Business is a-boomin'.

Even the anachronistic references worked. Here's Lt. Aldo Raine recruiting Sgt. Hugo Stiglitz: I think you show great talent. And I pride myself on having an eye for that kind of talent. Your status as a Nazi killer is... still amateur. We all come here to see if you wanna go pro...

And if that isn't enough to whet your appetite, check out these other memorable quotes, which will become an entrenched part of pop culture in years to come. 

Punchlines

I liked everything about her except for her...

...mind, her presence and her tin foot.

thirtysomething

So this week, and in fact today, Season 1 of thirtysomething has been released finally! This may be one of the longest DVD release window for a television series which first aired in 1987. Apparently clearing all the music rights was the hold up all these years. The good news is that I will finally be able to get rid of all of the VHS recordings, well at least a quarter of them anyway.

This is such a big deal that the LA Times covered the story in a variety of articles this week. I'm just happy that a new generation will be introduced to Michael and Hope, Elliot and Nancy, Melissa, Gary, Ellyn, and Miles. 

Now that I'm thirtysomething, I'm sure the show will resonate in ways it could not when I was twentysomething, so this will be a treat to experience again, especially some of my favorite episodes. Until this point, I've had the published teleplays from Season 1 and the soundtrack to tie me over. Not the same. Fortunately, someone who used to work for me lived near Olin and Wettig and I put him through an especially humiliating torture to retrieve autographs from both. If only he had pulled up into their driveway blasting the soundtrack from his car... Oh well, he was a good sport, and so were Ken and Nancy. Thanks!

 

By the way, I nearly fell off my seat when I discovered that Paul Haggis (Crash) wrote a few episodes during that first season (Nice Work If You Can Get It, South by Southeast, Business As Usual).  All the more reason to go out and buy Season 1 and check out his earlier work.

LA Times articles:

'thirtysomething' twentysomething years later

'thirtysomething's' office romance

Melanie Mayron identifies with Melissa, her 'thirtysomething' role

Punchlines

I always thought karate was only for self-defense. But it turns out that at the office, it's surprisingly effective for...

...dealing with lazy employees who couldn't be bothered to make fresh coffee.

Green thumb

One month later, I thought I'd give you an update on what's the haps. Yo check this out.

 

In all due seriousness, I think I'll get in touch with my green side and will return later today with earthy tales of my day and maybe some snaps as well.

Post script.

Okay, here's the real deal. Photos from Huntington Library and Garden in Pasadena, which features fourteen themed gardens.

Punchlines

Love is such a beautiful thing...

I heard it was many-splendored, too. And a Battlefield also? F*ck me... it just goes to show how damn versatile it actually is. Color me impressed.

Idle chatter

 “Hey Georgie, what's the deal with Benny?” asked Steve.

“Well, you had him last. What did you do to him? Last I saw him he was walkin' just fine,” replied George.

“Well that's a relief...I heard he was auditioning for the part of the donkey down in Tijuana! Maybe we should throw him a little party? I could hire a....”

“...sexy little burro and maybe a goat just for fun. See if that'll cheer him up! It'll be just like the old days, when...”

“…we would all go down to the "petting" zoo... Is he still there?”

“He said something about wanting to get paid today. Money's running low so I think he's actually putting work *ahead* of Punchlines. Da noive! Hey, maybe this will work...”  George paused and then called out, “Benny, youhoo, Benny? I'm feeling kinda randy...”

“He needs to renegotiate with his pimp. Maybe he is the subject of a new probe?” speculated Steve.

“It was rumored an alien probe, but I tend not to believe in such things. I do worry about him though.”

“Oh me too. That time he was running around with that steel worker guy? Those chaps were a bit much. You think we need to have an intervention?” suggested Steve.

“It didn't seem to work last time, but hell I'm game. I love him, man. But if it's all the same to you, would you mind setting it up?” asked George.

“No problem,” Steve thinks for a second, “You think I oughtta bring the goat just to show him everything's cool? Let's get him a gift too. Any ideas?”

George nodded in agreement. “Well, I know he likes gouda and I can whip up a recipe for a veggie lasagna that will leave him drooling. But why not, I think the goat's a stellar idea. Perhaps a year's supply of batteries wouldn't hurt, either. You know to go with the...”

“…six foot neon green necklace and matching fur boots? Good thinking! Should we sign him up for the parade?”

“To be in the parade? Nah. Like I said he was walking fine, but his arms have withered down to little stubs. I'm afraid he can't wave his hands or at least no one will be able to tell when he does. Maybe we can get him a prosthetic kinda like the one in the Fugitive!”

Steve jumped up and down with excitement. “I've got it! I have an old cardboard life size Michael Jordan cut out! We'll just paste those arms on old Benny and when he waves they'll go nuts! I can hardly wait to strap him atop some big float with those big black muscular arms. He'll be the hit of WeHo!!! You think he'll be off the drugs by then?”

“Oh god I hope not. I think he wouldn't be able to get through the parade without being high as a kite. Seriously the damn thing is like 17 hours long! By the third hour, I'm sure he's gonna start to get the shakes and...”

“…that's when we slip him a downer in some ginger ale. He'll be the star of the show and he won't even know his own name. Seriously, should we get your friend Raul to dress him up?”

George considered the idea briefly and then suggested, “In brilliant shades of rhubarb and guava? I'm not sure if the whole "fruit bowl" palette works on him. Perhaps you oughtta give it a shot, Steve. I'm thinking maybe a western theme would suit. What say you?”

“Hmmm…” Steve rubbed his chin, “I like it. Yep, we'll dress him up like Howdy Doody with the hair slicked back and the freckles! And I bet he'd feel like a real cowboy with a shiny little six shooter and some spurs! I'm feeling better about this thing all the time. You think this will raise his self esteem?”

“Perhaps, but I think we can do even better than a parade and a party with a goat and gouda…” George trailed off while continuing to walk down the hallway with Steve.

Punchlines

You know, a high-powered scope rifle is all well and good in Africa, but we are in...

...kindergarten and playing in a bouncy house. Do you really think that's necessary? 

 

Let them eat cake

Turtle Tower Restaurant is a small mom 'n pop place near Golden Gate park. Located on Geary Street amongst many other Asian restaurants, the building is not a particular stand out, but the taste certainly is. The types of restaurants in this section of Geary are purists when it comes to the type of food they serve. For example, a Japanese restaurant explicitly wrote on a sign: NO SUSHI. NO TERIYAKI. This was to keep out the riffraff i.e., those who are accustomed to Westernized restaurant offerings. 

The place we visited made the distinction of serving only Northern Vietnamese style food which means you are served your pho without mint, bean sprouts, or hoisin. My friend recommended that I try #6 the pan fried noodle soup with fresh rice noodles, beef, leeks and carrots. It was a combination of smokey, tender flavorful goodness in a bowl. Definitely worth having seconds and thirds, I should think.

One drawback is that the restaurant closes super early in the evenings. We were the last customers to order food and were rushed out of the restaurant at 8:30 pm. Still it gave us an opportunity to head to Hayes Valley for dessert.

Citizen Cake has been around for years and I came across Elizabeth Falkner on a Food Network challenge a few years ago. Most recently she was on Top Chef Masters competing against others such as Rick Bayless, Ludo Lefebvre, Hubert Keller, Michael Cimarusti, Roy Yamaguchi, et al.  She's the author of Demolition Desserts and I have looked forward to a visit to her shop each time I am in San Francisco. On this visit we sampled the following:

• Retro Tropical Shag - Genoise cake splashed with rum and an exotic passion fruit mousse, covered in vanilla buttercream and carpeted with un-sweetened coconut.
• Mocha Mi Su - Layers of cocoa genoise cake, mocha mousse and crème fraiche mousse. Finished with chocolate ganache and coffee buttercream. 
• Pineapple Upside-down Cupcake - A tropical treat: lots o’ pineapple chunks underneath moist buttermilk cake topped with a passion fruit frosting & coconut
• Carrot Cupcake - Our delicious carrot cake topped with cream cheese frosting and a marzipan carrot.
  

Oh my!

Punchlines

I am so sick and tired of everybody complaining about hangnails today.
Well, excuuuuuuuuse me. Listen sister, that's a lot better than having a bunch of co-workers sing barber-shop quartet about whitlows.

Ferry Building

San Francisco is a wonderful place for gourmands. The inhabitants take their food very seriously as evidenced by the small places that crop up around the city that are small and artisanal in their approach toward food. Small batches. High quality. These are places which specialize in one thing. For example, olive oil. Just that and no other item. Or salted pork products. That's all that's available. One such place that houses these shops under one roof is the Ferry Building Market Place where I find myself each time I visit San Francisco. 

Some great shops to check out would include:

Acme Bread

Blue Bottle Coffee

Cowgirl Creamery

Boccalone

Recchiuti Confections

I can't say enough nice things about this place. It really is a gem. Couple the experience with a farmers market each saturday morning and I am quite tempted to take up permanent residence within the building itself!

Punchlines

We seek him here, we seek him there. Those Frenchies seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven? Is he in hell? That damned, elusive...

...Scarlet Pimpernel.

Tangled Web

I'm not a fan of spiders. That's an understatement. I'm squeamish about spiders. Can't stand them. So when I found out about this pandemic, I was pretty freaked out. 

Twenty years ago, portions of the movie Arachnophobia was filmed on the Warner Bros. lot. During the filming, truckloads of spiders were brought in because regular Angelino spiders looked a bit boring, I suppose. Well when production concluded, they did not ship the spiders back from whence they came. Quite possibly they tried to, but I suspect they did not manage to recapture all of the spiders. As a result, these little critters dispersed across the Warner Bros. lot and its surrounding environs. 

Let me clarify one point. These spiders are not indigenous to this region. They do not fall prey to the typical cycle of population control by predators in Los Angeles. As a result, these spiders are able to live quite happily and tend to make their presence known in the summer months. 

And so it was that as I was walking from my car to the office this morning, I noticed at the end of the parking structure a beautiful, silk gauzy web which glistened in the morning sunlight. I stepped back and then noticed that, in fact, there were about a dozen webs spun by a dozen spiders... 

...which reminds me. I should probably close my sunroof today.

Punchlines

Have you seen the cash for clunkers new slogan? Show us your Junk!
What a coincidence! I wear the same sign when I go out on first dates. 

Wednesday

Is it hump day already? Why yes, it is. Thank goodness for urbandictionary.com. I am not a hip person, maybe hep, but not hip. So like other mere mortals, I resort to learning about life through urbandictionary.com. What is hump day for those less hep than even moi? Well, the traditional definition of "hump day" is as follows:

1.	hump day
	The middle of a work week (Wednesday); used in the context of climbing a proverbial hill to get through a tough week.

But I prefer the alternative definition.

6. hump day wednesday, being at the center of the work week. makes an ideal day for humping to break up the tedium of the week. people love to hump, and hump day is the second best part of the week for humping, the best part being the weekend.

Of course, I've been trying to spread the label "shag day" as in ... woohoo! Wednesday! Guess what day it is?!? Shag day!!! But I wasn't the originator of that idea, really. I got it from the 1998 movie Sliding Doors. When Helen (played by Gwyneth Paltrow) arrives home to find her boyfriend Gerry just getting out of bed, he calls out to find out who it is. She replies, "No, it's your bit of stuff. Wednesday, Shag Day, remember?" It's odd what random bits of dialog or thoughts stick with you. It's a lovely movie overall really. In one split second, the life of the main character takes two completely different directions. If she makes the train, a series of events unfold that leads to self-awareness, breaking up with Gerry, meeting a new man, and opening herself up to possibilities and change. If she doesn't make the train, a different series of events unfold which shows Helen stays in a relationship with a cheating Gerry, takes on menial jobs to support the two of them, while wanking Gerry knocks up another girl. Makes you wonder about the choices you make throughout the course of each day.  

Well, anyhoo... It's Wednesday. Enjoy today!

Punchlines

I haven't seen such camaraderie since I was in the Foreign Legion. Unless of course you include...
...the other night with Georgie. (sigh) 

Malibu

So tonight I will be attending a charity event with Malibu Rum and Reef Check to raise awareness for Reef Check’s mission of protecting coral reef’s worldwide. Anna Faris is also behind this somehow and I plan to get to the bottom of this... or at least the bottom of a glass of mojitos.

Post script:

So that was fun. Dr. Hodgson spoke a little bit about Reef Check and the new internship program that is being offered to 10 eligible students to study and monitor coral reef health in Thailand, the Maldives or the Philippines. Anna Faris then thanked everyone for coming and then said, "Let's do shots." Other celebrity notables included Sendhil Ramamurthy (Heroes), Scott Krinsky (Chuck) as well as AVP athletes Todd Rogers, Phil Dalhausser, April Ross, Jen Kessy, Sean Scott and John Hyden.

Punchlines

I swear my six year old thinks he's Gilbert Gottfried.

The voice. The annoying attitude. I think you should take him out back and put him out of your misery.

Shaq Vs.

After a nailbiting match-up with Phil/Todd vs. Sean/John in the finals of AVP Hermosa, the court in the stadium underwent a transformation for the filming of the new reality TV show Shaq Vs. Episode 2 this season which will air August 25th on ABC at 9 p.m. ET will feature Shaq Vs. Misty May-Treanor/Kerri Walsh in beach volleyball. Shaq paired up with Todd Rogers in the back court and it was pretty hysterical to see someone that big move that quickly in the sand. If Shaq lost, he would wear pink speedos up and down the beach! Other match-ups include Shaq Vs. Michael Phelps, Shaq Vs. Oscar De La Hoya, and Shaq Vs. Serena Williams.

It was a sight to behold, so tune-in on August 25th.  

Punchlines

I enjoy wine, I'll have to admit, but I am not in love with the stuff. I'll usually enjoy a few glasses...

...of hotdog juice straight up.

Comeback moms

Time to get charged up, people! It's the AVP Hermosa Beach Open this weekend with the women's final on Saturday and the men's final on Sunday. Woohoo! Also if you come down on Sunday, Shaquille O'Neal will be filming an episode for his new reality TV show where he will compete against two-time Olympic gold medalists Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings.

For those who don't follow the sport of beach volleyball, Kerri just had a baby 2 months ago and this weekend marks the first time she has been back since last season. She plays with another new mom on the tour, Rachel Scott (nee Wacholder). The moms did well but fell to the contenders bracket yesterday and must compete early this morning to make it back into the final four. They'll take stadium court at 8:45 a.m. 

Stay tuned for updates via @AVPHermosa or @AVPbeach on Twitter. Since those guys do such an amazing job, I will probably just send behind-the-scenes photos from time to time on @TGeorgeSand.

Punchlines

OK... cut the hole, measure the new drywall board, cut it to fit and apply the pasty pink stuff, get the blow dryer... Have lots of hope ... Sand it in... feather the texture to match... Wait 24 hours... UH OH! Where's the cat??? And what is that smell?

Oh... sorry. That was me. I just got back from George's.

Mise en place

It may be uncouth to be excited for today, but I don't care. I'm pretty psyched to spend my first day in a professional kitchen and helping to prepare for the dinner service tonight at Ludo Bites, which is referred to as mise en place. 

Mise en place is a French phrase defined by the Culinary Institute of America as "everything in place", as in set up. It is used in professional kitchens to refer to the ingredients, such as cuts of meat, relishes, sauces, par-cooked items, spices, freshly chopped vegetables, and other components that a cook requires for the menu items that they expect to prepare during their shift. Preparing the mise en place ahead of time allows the chef to cook without having to stop and assemble items, which is desirable in recipes with time constraints.

The concept of having everything in its place as applied to the work in a kitchen is likely to have become a staple around the time of Auguste Escoffier, who is well known for his development of the brigade system of running a kitchen. 

Post script: 

So newbie that I am, I forgot to bring my knives to the kitchen today but I did show up on time. I borrowed Eliot's exceptionally sharp knife and as I was preparing the mirepoix for the oxtail (to go in the creamy polenta with oxtail, black truffle and cantal cheese dish), I sliced the palm of my hand. But not to worry, because the next recipe I was prepping for was the boudin noir (a.k.a. blood sausage), chopping up pork back fat, onions, apples, and garlic. Talk about putting in your blood, sweat and tears into your work! Haha. Rest assured. None of mine made it into the recipe.

We had a mid-afternoon break when the Breadbar staff needed to wash the kitchen floors and settled in the front-of-house where I met with the rest of the kitchen crew working that night, a young efficient bunch who were passionate about food. So much so, that one remarked that all they seem to talk about is food when they get together. What they've eaten recently... What kitchen utensil they've purchased... What restaurants they've been to... and so on.

The hum of activity continued soon thereafter, with each person assigned to parts of the menu to tackle from cleaning chanterelle mushrooms, whipping up frosting, assembling the lobster tarte, cleaning and grating celery root, or in my case, plucking leaves off a dozen stems of hyssop (at least I think that was the herb) and scraping clean six dozen organic baby carrots, which appeared to have stained my hands. 

All in all, working in a professional kitchen is a wonderful experience. Without a doubt, it is back-breaking work. So, anyone considering a culinary profession better have passion for it, and if you get a chance to train under a creative genius like Ludo, jump on the chance because it is well worth it.

 

Punchlines

So what's with the provocative song titles these days? You Put Something Inside Me. I hate Christian Rock. WTF is next...?
Jesus Fills Me Up? I mean come on already! 


So Tuesday night at George's, huh?