Life, light and livestock

It has quite literally been years since I tinkered around on this and I wasn't even sure I would remember the login. Luckily, my browser did. Love technology.

Okay, so in the intervening years, life happened and death, truth be told, happened. The break that I took from the Seasons of Conflict novel still remains just that. I took up sailing and ventured around the Pacific and Caribbean, bagging the mountain peaks of southern California in preparation for hiking up Machu Picchu, went on a photographic safari across Tanzania, learned to snowboard, and rediscovered love - feline and especially agape.

I was also recently struck with appreciating the symbolism of light.

Light is one of the most universal and fundamental symbols. It is the spiritual and the divine. It is illumination and intelligence. Light is the source of goodness and the ultimate reality, and it accompanies transcendence into the Nirvana of Buddhist doctrine.

While waiting beside my father's deathbed, I knew it was a matter of time that his light would join the light of the world. It seemed a natural way for me to view his passing.

Writing appears to be a cyclical activity with me, in this particular instance spurred on by a recent incident such as death just as it was in the last instance eight years ago.

Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives. You know what I say? Leave your livestock alone. ~ Debi Newberry, Grosse Pointe Blank

Abre los ojos

First of all, to those who follow me on twitter, sorry for that half-baked comment that I made. For those who missed it, this is what I wrote:

TGeorgeSand Feel like phasing out the mundane from my life. Is that possible?

...followed by...

TGeorgeSand BTW my "mundane phase out" plan has nothing to do with unfollowing or defriending. I may have to blog about what I meant (or just shut up).

So this is what I meant. I'll just ramble a bit about it and if it happens to gel with you, great. If not, then move along. There's really nothing to see here except an addle-minded ingénue (yeah, right).

Over the past several months, I've been fascinated by this notion of waking up. Not the kind of waking up you do every morning, but the kind of waking up that occurs when your senses feel enlivened or heightened as a child would respond when he first discovers the world or more importantly what happens when this occurs within your mind, heart or soul in a way that can alter the way that you look at life.

So rather than see a routine - for example, commuting to work - as mundane, it's becoming aware of the sensations of what it is to do such a thing. It could also be about listening to a friend, not in the half-assed way where you really want to turn the conversation around back to yourself, but in a way that fully engages your attention on her. It could be about approaching life in a fresh way and looking for elements that resonate with you or to find beauty in the ordinary.

Certainly there's the clinical aspect to this and according to the Mayo Clinic, keeping your mind sharp by doing different things prevents mental atrophy. But I suppose what I'm focused on is what will feed your soul.

Wouldn't that just make life a little more bearable? But not just that, wouldn't it make it chimerical? So to bring the comment full circle, what I meant about "phasing out the mundane," was really a call-to-action on my part to view life through a different lens and not always allow the automatic thoughts to take over or to zombie through life. This could mean exploring new places locally or abroad, meeting new people from different walks of life, sampling different cuisines from around the world, trying something new ... but in the end, whatever it is, it's about waking up and abre los ojos.


Punchlines
Well, my date was going just fine until she started Frenching her Yorkie. Now I guess I'll just have to play with my Puli.

Bowl-A-Palooza 4

Ode to Stella Artois

By George Sand

Sung to the tune of “Empire State of Mind” by Jay-z and Alicia Keys

Yeah, yeah I'ma up at Burbank
Now I'm down in Hollywood
Right next to the Orchid
And now at Celebrity
I've brought Stellas with me
And since I brought it here
I will drink it anywhere
Yeah pour me another beer

I used to drink on rooftops
All my Trigger Streeter stunnas (Hey yo!)
Right there off of Franklin
Brought me back to that night last year
When Palace took a drop
Or was it before
With two girls and a cup
What’s in store this year? Fo sho…

Hanging with Aaron,
Andrew, Alex,
Jon, Matt, Jared,
And Nick from San Francisco.
Me? I'm out and will miss
Maddox vs. Sheila.
Get it on video.
Will Sophie bring her mom with her?

Say what up to Mickey
Mark, Chris, and Vivi
Sitting poolside
Ken and Ben give Ted high-5s
What up with the others?
I won’t take no “Mebbe’s”
Tell by my attitude that I'm really drunk on...

STELLA!!!
Weekend of Bowl-A-Palooza
There's nothing you can’t do when you drink Stella.
Stella will make you feel brand new,
Stella will inspire you,
Let's hear it for Stella, Stella, Stella…

Punchlines

Dear Abby: The latest incident with my boss involved a huge fight over a thumb drive. I thought we should resolve it by thumb wrestling, but he was at a disadvantage physically. Do you have any other suggestions?

I think you should familiarize yourself with Human Resources and finger him.

Read the labels

These days, dating like grocery shopping involves a lot of reading. The love of your life is rarely content to just be, and instead, should include dozens of labels designating him/her as NATURAL, ORGANIC or the dreaded CAGE-FREE. And even if you know your CERTIFIED from your HUMANELY-RAISED lovers, odds are you still need a PhD to decode most of the other language. So, to make navigating your love life on dating websites a tad easier, here are these labels, defined and explained in terms understandable to humans.

ALL-NATURAL / NATURAL / 100% NATURAL

What it means: In regards to women, NATURAL means the body appears relatively close to its natural state, and often won’t have additives like silicon implants, Botox or pacemakers.

What it really means: With the exception of women, slapping NATURAL on a man is a marketing ploy. Everything about a man essentially derives from nature, so there’s a ton of fudging that can be done. Don’t trust the label, and read every look, grunt and scowl before you date.

CAGE-FREE

What it means: Homeless

What it really means: These people are completely deluded and walk around completely psychotic.

CERTIFIED

What it means: Congratulations! Ex-lovers have acknowledged that your choice is actually worthy of dating.

What it really means: Ex-lovers gave your paramour a grade and a class, and certified that he/she hasn’t been replaced with a billy goat.

ENRICHED / FORTIFIED (Added, Extra, Plus)

What it means: A nutrient (steroid, andro, Viagra, etc.) has been added to your lover. Now, compared to a standard, non-fortified lover, he has at least 10% more of the Daily Value of that nutrient.

What it really means: It varies. A lover can add a ton of Cialis to his game, and set you up for life. Or the same guy can slip a measly 10% andro into his workout, and it barely makes a dent. Read the label to see you’re getting the amount you want.

FREE-RANGE

What it means: A term usually applied to women or as they say in the U.K., birds. FREE-RANGE means birds have access to an outside area. That’s it.

What it really means: Essentially, FREE-RANGE often means birds are raised in a convent, and given a tiny patch of lawn that they rarely, if ever, use. The FREE-RANGE label means virtually their whole lives they have had no human contact. Not even down there.

FRESH

What it means: Pretty much, FRESH men and women are raw and untouched. They have never been frozen by icy stares or warmed by flattery. They also don’t have any preservatives.

What it really means: Hey! This is an actual thing! Who knew? A person labeled FRESH is just about as interesting as belly lint, which is surprisingly not fresh. You pretty much get what you expect. Nice.

GRAIN FED / GRASS FED

What it means: Grain is the primary diet of most Americans. It’s meant to produce fatter people who grow and can be laughed at much faster than nature allows. GRASS FED people (while I’m not sure there’s an official designation) are generally raised entirely on pasture grass, and are also called potheads.

What it really means: While I’m led to believe GRASS FED people are a better lay, I’m actually a little hazy on this one. Can anyone clarify?

GUILT-FREE (Wholesome, Traditional)

What it means: Absolutely nothing.

What it really means: It’s a made-up word to make you want to go on a first date with GUILT-FREE guys. Ignore this category of person entirely.

HEALTHY

What it means: Simply, “A HEALTHY lover must be low in fat and contain limited amounts of neuroses and psychoses.”

What it really means: Wow. As in the case with FRESH, I didn’t know this was an actual thing. I assumed it was a spurious claim made by parents. But it’s actually very real, and leaves little open to interpretation.

HORMONE-FREE

What it means: Nothing. Based on my experience, it can’t be proved.

What it really means: Men and women are supposed to have hormones anyway, so be on the lookout if they claim they don’t.

HUMANELY-RAISED

What it means: In regard to lovers for which it’s meant, almost nothing. It’s not a regulated definition.

What it really means: While there’s some effort by smaller groups to get standards together, it’s not completely there yet. In the meantime, look for the HEALTHY or 100% NATURAL label, which means the people “were allowed to engage in natural behaviors,” had room to move around, had fresh water and a no-hormone/antibiotic diet, and were handled with care during their lives.

LEAN

What it means: LEAN means the guy has less than 10% body fat; women, less than 15%. EXTRA LEAN people go even further than that.

What it really means: I did a lot of research on this a few months ago, and while boobage and butt sizes vary, a LEAN label is good news for anyone other than Sir Mix-a-lot. Look for it, but be careful to check the psychosis content while you’re at it. Some of them could be marathoners and have no time for you.

LIGHT / LITE

What it means: There are two definitions: A) the woman has 50% less fat than her regular equivalent, or B) the guy has 33% less staying power than his regular equivalent.

What it really means: These paramours may be a better choice than their full-fat or full-power version, but it’s not necessarily healthy.

NO ADDED SUGAR

What it means: Women haven’t put any additional sugar to coat their lies.

What it really means: There still may be artificial sweeteners or naturally occurring sugars within their lies. They just don’t need extra sweetness.

NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS, FLAVORS OR PRESERVATIVES

What it means: Your paramour is made entirely from natural ingredients.

What it really means: Well, it depends on your definition of “natural.” Is teeth bleaching natural or anal bleaching, for that matter? What about the Botox around her eyes or his calf lifts? If a date is enriched with more Viagra, does that count? While this label points towards good things, a quick scan of the ingredient list will tell you everything you need to know.

ORGANIC (100% Organic, Made with organic ingredients)

What it means: There are entire books written on the topic, but it boils down to this: 100% ORGANIC people consist entirely of soylent green.

What it really means: Hoo boy. Here we go. The word “organic” is thrown around with some regularity, but parents and ex-lovers never certified that it’s any healthier than ol’ processed people. The label doesn’t guarantee any regulation as fruits and nuts may vary. However, it seems like a general consensus that organic people may be better for you. Proceed with caution.

And that's a wrap. Go forth and love discriminately.

POST SCRIPT. I was so inspired by the silliness of these label designations that I wrote a short story today, also entitled "Read the Labels." Enjoy!

Punchlines

Heidi-ho neighbor! Say... Martha and I were wondering... Are you going to be raking up those leaves in your yard anytime soon?

Just as soon as you leash your Rottweilers, neighbor.

Burnin' up

Fire season is upon us in Los Angeles. Most of the news has done a really good job of freaking out people around the world so I thought I'd share some specifics, most of which is reported by the California Division of Forestry on their incident website and this information is updated frequently throughout the day.

First, here is a time-lapse video of what we're up against with Station Fire, positioned just north of Los Angeles in the foothills. As of this posting, the Station Fire is 5% contained. There's some debate as to whether these types of fire is good for the chaparral habitat or not. I'm no expert, but I'll try to synthesize what I have learned so far.

Some folks will argue that fire is good and fire suppression is bad. Fire suppression can lead to an overabundance of vegetation creating dangerous levels of fuels in California wildlands. While this may be true for some forestland (particularly in dry ponderosa forests in the southwest), it is not true for California chaparral.   

The fires ablaze in the foothills just north of Los Angeles is bad fire, the kind that destroy the natural resources that we enjoy. So this fire is bad, plain and simple.

It does however create some pretty awesome sunsets. 

Punchlines

Quit poking me, will ya?

I will not stop until you listen. Get a flu shot! Okay (poke poke) ... get one!

It is a well known fact that 17 out of every 10 Americans will get Swine Flu next month.

Idle chatter

 “Hey Georgie, what's the deal with Benny?” asked Steve.

“Well, you had him last. What did you do to him? Last I saw him he was walkin' just fine,” replied George.

“Well that's a relief...I heard he was auditioning for the part of the donkey down in Tijuana! Maybe we should throw him a little party? I could hire a....”

“...sexy little burro and maybe a goat just for fun. See if that'll cheer him up! It'll be just like the old days, when...”

“…we would all go down to the "petting" zoo... Is he still there?”

“He said something about wanting to get paid today. Money's running low so I think he's actually putting work *ahead* of Punchlines. Da noive! Hey, maybe this will work...”  George paused and then called out, “Benny, youhoo, Benny? I'm feeling kinda randy...”

“He needs to renegotiate with his pimp. Maybe he is the subject of a new probe?” speculated Steve.

“It was rumored an alien probe, but I tend not to believe in such things. I do worry about him though.”

“Oh me too. That time he was running around with that steel worker guy? Those chaps were a bit much. You think we need to have an intervention?” suggested Steve.

“It didn't seem to work last time, but hell I'm game. I love him, man. But if it's all the same to you, would you mind setting it up?” asked George.

“No problem,” Steve thinks for a second, “You think I oughtta bring the goat just to show him everything's cool? Let's get him a gift too. Any ideas?”

George nodded in agreement. “Well, I know he likes gouda and I can whip up a recipe for a veggie lasagna that will leave him drooling. But why not, I think the goat's a stellar idea. Perhaps a year's supply of batteries wouldn't hurt, either. You know to go with the...”

“…six foot neon green necklace and matching fur boots? Good thinking! Should we sign him up for the parade?”

“To be in the parade? Nah. Like I said he was walking fine, but his arms have withered down to little stubs. I'm afraid he can't wave his hands or at least no one will be able to tell when he does. Maybe we can get him a prosthetic kinda like the one in the Fugitive!”

Steve jumped up and down with excitement. “I've got it! I have an old cardboard life size Michael Jordan cut out! We'll just paste those arms on old Benny and when he waves they'll go nuts! I can hardly wait to strap him atop some big float with those big black muscular arms. He'll be the hit of WeHo!!! You think he'll be off the drugs by then?”

“Oh god I hope not. I think he wouldn't be able to get through the parade without being high as a kite. Seriously the damn thing is like 17 hours long! By the third hour, I'm sure he's gonna start to get the shakes and...”

“…that's when we slip him a downer in some ginger ale. He'll be the star of the show and he won't even know his own name. Seriously, should we get your friend Raul to dress him up?”

George considered the idea briefly and then suggested, “In brilliant shades of rhubarb and guava? I'm not sure if the whole "fruit bowl" palette works on him. Perhaps you oughtta give it a shot, Steve. I'm thinking maybe a western theme would suit. What say you?”

“Hmmm…” Steve rubbed his chin, “I like it. Yep, we'll dress him up like Howdy Doody with the hair slicked back and the freckles! And I bet he'd feel like a real cowboy with a shiny little six shooter and some spurs! I'm feeling better about this thing all the time. You think this will raise his self esteem?”

“Perhaps, but I think we can do even better than a parade and a party with a goat and gouda…” George trailed off while continuing to walk down the hallway with Steve.

Punchlines

You know, a high-powered scope rifle is all well and good in Africa, but we are in...

...kindergarten and playing in a bouncy house. Do you really think that's necessary? 

 

Green thumb

I wish I had one but I don't. But luckily Zynga launched FarmVille a free application on Facebook and all of a sudden, I'm ploughing, seeding and harvesting to my heart's content. This application which is a knock-off of Farmtown is the fastest-growing application approaching almost 10 million users in a little over a month and roughly 2 million users playing each day. Wow. It is now the 6th most popular game on Facebook.

I set mine up last week because I happened to see a lost cow, decided to adopt it and the rest is history. Now I'm diligently planting and harvesting pumpkins, strawberries, and rice because they offer the most yield than any of the vegetables as well as lime trees for the same reason, although I have to admit that that cherry trees and plum trees are rather nice-looking. Sheep as well are a higher yielding cash machine than cows or chickens as well. 

Punchlines

I'm thinking of making a new movie called "My Cat Chasing a Laser Pointer" I just need a really strong storyline....and a laser pointer...
...and a cat. Not exactly working with a full deck, are ya? 

Decline of friendship

What type of friend are you... Best friend? Casual friend? Friend with benefits? Internet friend? Spiritual friend? Imaginary friend? 

Friend is defined as "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard" according to dictionary.com. I prefer Wikipedia's definition of friendship, "cooperative and supportive behavior between two or more people. The term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis."

Moreover, I am intrigued by Aristotle's take on tiers of friendship. 

1. There are your 'business partners' who benefit financially from their friends. 
   
2. There are your 'drinking buddies' who are people you have fun with. 
   
3. People with whom you pursue virtue (moral excellence). 
   

As I think through my dinky list of friends through the years, I begin to filter them with this Artistotilian lens and am surprised to discover a vast majority fall under business partners. These are not long-lived friendships. These relationships are rather transitory and defined by certain phases of my life: grade school, middle school, high school, college, and each subsequent job. These relationships are necessary to do your job well (be it homework, team assignments, post-merger integration). Generally, these relationships are functional and genial, but short-lived. A smaller fraction would fall under drinking buddies, largely due to the fact that I didn't make time for anything besides work and career. I would attend the obligatory wedding, birthday party, July 4th BBQ, but there never seemed to be enough hours in the day to do much more than that. Far fewer would be those categorized under the third tier. These are friends who compel me to be a better person. Given this perspective, I'm not quite sure I like what's happening here. Clearly, there has not been enough emphasis spending time with drinking buddies, right? 

Additionally, I was disheartened to read the recent decline of friendships in the U.S. According to a 2006 study documented in the journal the American Sociological Review, Americans are thought to be suffering a loss in the quality and quantity of close friendships since at least 1985. The study states 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and the average total number of confidants per citizen has dropped from four to two. That's a shame. So looks like y'all need to get your rear in gear and spend time with your drinking buddies, too.

Punchlines

Which reminds me, have you met a nice girl already? When are you going to introduce us? You hungry? Eat. You should eat. You're looking so thin. And you being a Doctor... such a catch. Why do we never see your lady friends? Are you the gay?

It's not as if I'm discounting the possibility, but Bubbie, listen to me. I am not, repeat, NOT the gay!

A perfect day

If asked to describe your perfect day, what would it be like? What would you do? What would you want to happen to you or for you? Where would you go? Who would you spend time with? I've posed this question from time to time, and it really is intriguing to me as I gain insights into friends and acquaintances about what makes them tick. This exercise really is an opportunity to let your imagination soar. 

For example, my friend Chris envisioned running a marathon, playing in the finals of the World Cup and winning, scaling Mount Everest, performing in a concert like U2 to a stadium filled with adoring fans, getting into a little spy adventure to solve a crime, and having a nice steak dinner. He's an achievement-oriented kind of person, don't you know? On the other hand, since several of these elements may never be achieved in his lifetime - granted running a marathon and feasting on a nice steak is certainly attainable - this leaves the definite possibility that he will never have a perfect day.

Some friends emphasize a full day leisurely spent with family and loved ones. This speaks volumes about how much family means to them and at the same time perhaps something they don't get enough of during their daily grind. Still others will describe a day filled with hedonism: sex, food, massages, drinking with friends, etc. Most responses are a combination of achievement, time spent with loved ones, and indulging the senses. Perfect days such as this seem very achievable and makes one realize, "Hey, why can't I have a perfect day at least once a week?" Why not indeed.

Feel free to post your thoughts on what would make up a perfect day for you.

Punchlines

Glad I made it through this Monday.

After the arrest that morning, the rest of the day really could have gone south after that. Luckily, Crossword was there to bail me out... again.

Oh Canada!

I thought I would take this opportunity on July 1 to write about Canada Day. Most Americans are generally too self-absorbed (myself especially) to take notice of any national holidays other than their own, and our celebration of Independence Day on July 4th generally eclipses that of Canada's celebration of Canada Day (a.k.a. Dominion Day) on July 1st. What makes matters worse is that apparently this year, many Canada Day celebrations are being cancelled due to the continuing strike by municipal workers, a fact lost on most Americans. Not helping people! How am I supposed to help promote Canada Day when there's no fanfare to write about?  

Back to the history lesson. On July 1, 1867, the enactment of the British North American Act united the four provinces of Canada to become a single country. In reality, it was the joining of three provinces (Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and the Province of Canada) along with the simultaneous division of the Province of Canada into two provinces: Ontario and Quebec. That seems odd, but whatever. It was probably the Quebecians' idea anyway.

Now while Canada had its own dominion from that point forward, British Parliament still had its hooks into Canada and kept limited rights and political control for over a century later. The last vestiges of control ended in 1982. This is not unlike the eventual turnover of Hong Kong to China in 1997. 

Many communities across Canada will host organized celebrations of Canada Day, usually outdoor public events such as parades, carnivals, festivals, barbecues, air and maritime shows, fireworks and free musical concerts. For Torontonians, this celebration will be in the abstract this year. They've got a municipal strike by those who aren't paying any heed to Canada Day's stunning lack of PR. 

Punchlines

I loved that episode of Fantasy Island where Mr. Roarke arranged for one of his clients to...

...impersonate a plane making love with another. In the moment of climax, Tattoo would cry out, "Deplane! Deplane!"

Who are you?

The first time I took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or the Keirsey Temperament Sorter was  in 1995, then in 1999, again in 2006 and finally in 2009 (30 minutes ago, in fact). These are personality tests that assess who you are as an individual, how you communicate with others, and your likely pattern of action. These tests have been used over 40 years and by more than 40 million people worldwide.  

The purpose of these tests is to make the theory of psychological types described by Carl Jung understandable and useful in people's lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment.

The identification of basic preferences of each of the four dichotomies specified or implicit in Jung's theory:

Favorite world: Do you prefer to focus on the outer world or on your own inner world? This is called Extraversion (E) or Introversion (I).

Information: Do you prefer to focus on the basic information you take in or do you prefer to interpret and add meaning? This is called Sensing (S) or Intuition (N).

Decisions: When making decisions, do you prefer to first look at logic and consistency or first look at the people and special circumstances? This is called Thinking (T) or Feeling (F).

Structure: In dealing with the outside world, do you prefer to get things decided or do you prefer to stay open to new information and options? This is called Judging (J) or Perceiving (P).

The first three times I took the test, I consistently sorted into the INFJ category. This last time, I was sorted into the ESFJ. I didn't think that was possible to shift from introversion to extraversion as well as from intuition to sensing. 

In large part, I think the outcome has to do with the fact that the MBTI and the KTS-II are two different instruments based on two theories, although Keirsey Temperaments build upon the 16 categories defined by MBTI. The first three times I took the MBTI, while this last time, I took the KTS-II. Secondarily, I wouldn't be surprised if I have evolved somewhat, and it's also a matter of degrees. Once you exceed 50% on a particular dichotomy, you become dominant in one dimension over the other. This does not mean that I no longer experience intuition for example, but just that sensing plays a greater role most of the time. As for the fact that I scored over 90% in extraversion, well, there's no explanation for that really. 

Worth checking out, I think, to find out who you are.

Punchlines

I had no idea you and I shared a love for...

...dust. Can't get enough of the stuff!

Must wear hats

This year I am participating in a particularly British fashion tradition and donning a Royal Ascot Ladies Hat (replete with peacock feathers) for a wedding to be held in a few weeks in London. 

The Royal Ascot, which dates back to 1711, is one of the world's most famous race meetings. It is a major event in the British social calendar, and much like the red-carpet pre-show coverage of the Oscars, the press coverage of the attendees and what they are wearing often exceeds coverage of the actual racing. 

Within the Royal Enclosure, a strict dress code is enforced. Male attendees must wear full morning dress including a top hat, whilst ladies must not show bare midriff or shoulders and must wear hats. 

Over 300,000 people make the annual visit to Berkshire during Royal Ascot week. The real spectacle of Royal Ascot is the fashion parade of Ladies' Day. Hats are de riguer and they range from the bizarre to the beautiful. But usually, the more outrageous the better. I was tempted to wear a can of Campbell's soup on my head to make a statement, but then I found out that it was already featured in Philip Treacy's 2003 collection. How gauche of me! 

Today is the final day of pageantry, and yes, of course, racing. 

Punchlines

I wish my cat could understand English. 'Cos then I could ask him...

Would you give a guy a foot massage?

  

Pain is French bread

In the continuing saga of the battle of the sexes, the following issue inevitably arises: Who has a higher tolerance for pain? Who does indeed? 

Some suggest women do. Women who suffer through childbirth have demonstrated an ability to withstand more pain. If any man argues this point, try passing a watermelon through your butt. QED right? In fact, there are clinical differences between the sexes that enable each gender to tolerate pain. Dr. Oz on Oprah did a segment on this and the findings suggest: Men's testosterone helps them with pain except when women are experiencing childbirth and are helped with the pain by release of extra estrogen. 

Other research suggests biological differences between the sexes. It turns out women in fact have more nerve endings: 34 nerve fibers per square centimeter than men, who average 17. Thus, women have an ability to feel more pain sensations and do not benefit from testosterone to ameliorate pain and suffering. If you ask me, that kinda blows.

Don't even get me started on the things that women do on a day-to-day basis that falls under the category of discomfort let alone pain - under-wire bras, thongs, tweezing, waxing, high heels, botox, nose jobs, boob jobs, etc. - in the name of maintaining western societal definitions of femininity and beauty. Pah! Show me a guy willing to put up with any of that without whining like a baby.

While there will continue to be research and debate, my curiosity is satisfied. On a day-to-day basis, women have got the short end of the stick when it comes to physical pain. 

Next time this topic comes up, I think I will discuss the other "pain" that is "le pain" or French bread.

Punchlines

Spotted owls are cute but deadly. Striped owls on the other hand...

...despite widely held beliefs... smell worse than raccoon farts.

It's not just about the cookies

On Sunday, I attended the Girl Scouts of Greater Los Angeles inaugural Gold Awards ceremony. It's an inaugural event for greater LA because it signifies the first event held after 6 regional councils across southern California were merged. 

Many people are not familiar with the Gold Awards. Like becoming an Eagle Scout, the Gold Awards is the highest individual achievement for a Girl Scout, which is usually two years in the making, comprised of 65 hours of community service. Combined, the 255 girls contributed over 17,000 hours of community service. Here are some examples:

Tied with Love - attempted to bring awareness to the plight of the invisible children of Uganada to the community.

Balancing the Water - discovered specific pollutants in the Dunsmore Canyon Stream, a tributary to the LA River and publicized her findings to increase awareness and effect change in the community.

Help Save a Life - increase awareness and registration for under-represented Asians on the national marrow registry.

Clean Burning Stoves - a project to build and install new stoves and chimneys into homes in Peru. She filmed her documentary as well.

I'm quite proud of the achievement of these Angelinas: 19% of those eligible to earn a Gold Award in Los Angeles received one yesterday, which far exceeds the national average of 4.5%.

It was a terrific celebration of achievement to demonstrate character, courage, and community. Many if not all have developed skills in decision making, leadership, setting priorities, etc. that took me decades to learn. But I suppose I'm a late bloomer. So much more will they achieve in life, which fills me with hope. 

Now, about those cookies. Thin mint, anyone?

Punchlines

Fifty years from now and you look back on your life, don't you want to admit that you...

...partied backstage with Bananarama? No...not really.

 

Beat(en) Generation

How much of who we are is defined by the people around us? Who are these people around us anyway? Are we largely also defined by the generation in which we are born? 

In 1991, Strausse and Howe published Generation, a book which describes an Anglo-American history which follows saecula (seasonal cycles). 

1883-1900 Lost Generation 

1901-1913 Interbellum Generation

1914-1924 Greatest Generation

1925-1939 Silent Generation

1943-1960 Baby Boom Generation

1961-1981 Generation X

1982-2000 Millennial Generation (Gen Y)

2001-present New Silent Generation (Gen Z)

I'm a Gen-Xer, which means in my youth I grew up with Ronald Reagan and George H.W. Bush in office. My political experience was shaped by witnessing the end of the cold war and the fall of the Berlin wall. My generation saw the inception of the home computer, the rise of video games, CDs and DVDs, the ubiquity of cellphones, the discovery and spread of the Internet for social and commercial purposes, dot.com businesses, MTV, grunge, hip hop music and culture, and AIDS. 

My generation is preceded by the Baby Boom Generation, the veritable pig in a python generation, and succeeded by the Millennial Generation (a.k.a. Generation Y), comprised of digital babies that are accustomed to instant gratification that comes through instant communication technologies (email, texting, IM, Facebook, Twitter and such). 

I like that we bridge such disparate generations. We're the glue that keeps families together. We have just enough historical context to be grounded and just enough savvy to succeed in the 21st Century.

  

“Beat(en) Generation” by The The   

When you cast your eyes upon the skylines 

Of this once proud nation 

Can you sense the fear and the hatred 

Growing in the hearts of its population   

And our youth, oh youth, are being seduced 

by the greedy hands of politics and half truths   

The beaten generation, the beaten generation 

Reared on a diet of prejudice and mis-information 

The beaten generation, the beaten generation 

Open your eyes, open your imagination   

We're being sedated by the gasoline fumes 

and hypnotised by the satellites 

Into believing what is good and what is right   

You may be worshipping the temples of mammon 

Or lost in the prisons of religion 

But can you still walk back to happiness 

When you've nowhere left to run?   

And if they send in the special police 

To deliver us from liberty and keep us from peace   

Then won't the words sit ill upon their tongues 

when they tell us justice is being done 

and that freedom lives in the barrels of a warm gun

Punchlines

Well, that'll be the day...

...the earth stood still. Silence envelopes the world. Suddenly a whisper, the faintest sound you've ever heard and then the cataclysmic fumes begin to roll towards you from the distant horizon where you see a small speck: a bashful raccoon.

Wooly mammoths

Each week I download the podcast of Scotland's Funny Bits from BBC Radio Scotland. While I don't always faithfully listen to it, I have much of it cued up. 

I was quite taken with the first episode that I encountered, a portion of which I have transcribed below. This is of course a poor substitute for the audio experience. If anyone can locate the link for archived shows, I'll provide it here as well. It's really funny stuff!

Scotland's Funny Bits: Ping Pong Balls, Thanksgiving and VAT (air date 11/28/2008)

John Paul Sumner, curator and scientist at the Kelvingrove Museum in Glasgow explained how to bring back the wooly mammoth.

John: If you wanted to go for the whole thing to clone a mammoth, you would take your mammoth DNA, put it inside an elephant's egg cell, put that back in the elephant, leave it for about 22 months to cook, and then lo and behold--

Fred: Gas mark, 4.

John: Yes! Gas mark, elephant... and low and behold, what you'd get is a wooly mammoth being born about 2 years later... much to the surprise of the elephant!

Fred: I would think so, yeah! A wooly one, hmm? 

John: How'd that happen? 

Fred: You know the elephants would say, "They say we never forget, but I've obviously blanked that one out me mind!"

And this is Fred's theory...

Fred: Maybe the mammoth became extinct because it was a pest! 

John: Well, possibly... and just annoying...

Fred: I was here sitting down for a picnic...

John: Just irritating!

(A mammoth trumpets in the background.)

Fred: Aww, no! Mammoths! Have you got mammoth repellant? I've got me SP-15 Mammoth Repellant Cream on. They'll be away in a minute.

Post script: I just wanted to give a shout out to visitors from Sweden, Portugal, United Arab Emirates, Jordan, Vietnam and India (Hi, Thierry).

Punchlines

What do you call a raccoon that farts on an elephant or something?

The long and the short of it is this. The whole cross-breeding experiment the other night had gone awry. I mean things really got f*cked up. I don't know if it was deep-sixed or what, but no one's saying a word about it. Not a word. The only reminder we have of that night is, well, the ever-present fumes from the raccoon.

 

Going global

I can’t tell you how excited I am that this blog has gone global. Global, baby, global! If I may take you on a little tour around this blog, allow me to point out a few items. 

Every once in a while, I discover a gadget to add. First it was a French phrase of the day, because I wanted to learn French idioms, which are not typically taught in classrooms. Then it was a visitor counter. That was pretty cool, but also fairly easy to manipulate as each time I craft an article and check to see the results, it counts as a visit. There was one day that my visitor counter jumped by about 80. I thought that was cool because I know that wasn't me. I don't have OCD. Wait, let me check.

My latest gadget is this clever little map which visually conveys information about where visitors to this site originate. Most likely you'll have found this site because I migrated you from receiving a "Joke of the Day" by AIM or you found me via Trigger Street or Twitter.

It appears that visitors aren't just my pals in Los Angeles, but cyberpals around the world. Los Angeles, Kansas City (just a guess for the speck in the Midwest), and presumably Philadelphia were the first dots to appear, then followed by Portland, Paris France and somewhere in Switzerland (Miss Topanga, is that you?). Bonjour mes amis, bienvenue!

As of last night's overnight tallies, it appears I have cyberpals in the Bay Area (Hi Bob!), and I’m just eyeballing this so I would venture to guess… Toronto, Houston, Orlando, and London – tally ho! I’m pleased as punch you are bothering to visit. Je suis absolument heureux!

The stakes have gone up, I’d say. Because I am quantitatively oriented, I have added another new feature at the end of each post. You may check a box if you consider the day's blog to be interesting, cool or funny.  I will try to refrain from checking the boxes myself so the feedback is accurate unlike the visitor count. 

You do realize of course that this will only give me a reason to start posting in a few different languages now, don't you? Zhe shi xin! (It's true!) Vraiment! (Truly!)

Punchlines

Do you think we hurt his...

...feelings? Nah. All he can feel is annoyed or itchy.

Today's lexicon

Don't you just love the English language. What I love about it is that the English language is unlike the French language. The French language appears to be governed by a legion of ex-covert operatives on behalf of the Ministry of Culture. Only certain words are permitted to be added to the French lexicon so as to preserve the French culture. Other words sadly don't make it and are left to stand in the cold shadows of the Moulin Rouge in the 18eme arondissement.

The English language, or rather the American language, continues to add new terms each day. We seem to take all comers, really. These days especially as various social networking sites take off, I find myself creating verbs out of nouns and being understood. 

Do you twitter?

Have you tried to google him yet?

Will you friend me on facebook?

Of course, this is nothing new. We've been xeroxing rather than copying for ages, and everyone always asks for a kleenex and not a tissue. In America, we're just not as uptight about what we allow into our language I guess. By the way, if you want to keep up with the lingo these days, the NetLingo dictionary will keep you current. Try to pace yourself.

Punchlines

If I had to wager between office supply products on its sheer usefulness, I would say the stapler by far is the most often used. Unless of course you count the...

...discreet eavesdropping mini-microphone... which is frankly indispensable.

There’s too much plastic in my life!

A friend of mine sent me an email around midnight pointing out the evils of bottled water. It’s not so much the water as the bottle, I think. Do you realize how ubiquitous bottled waters are in my life, heck, in all our lives? 

Turns out that Johns Hopkins (like the science nerd that he is) has been jumping up and down trying to get us to pay attention to the fact that high levels of dioxin are emitted when plastic water bottles encounter extreme temperature differences: heat from being left in a car or microwave or cold from being placed in a freezer. This extends to any plastic container really or any plastic wrap. These suckers melt into your food and ooze toxins all over the place.

By way of example, I once needed to quickly defrost homemade chicken stock in the microwave (uh oh), which I had poured into a plastic bottle (ding ding ding) and put into the freezer (what are you nuts?!?). I left the cap twisted on tightly and when I went to pour out the contents, I got a massive chicken stock explosion. In case you’re wondering, I wouldn’t recommend doing that unless you want your kitchen to smell like meat. But as you can see from this example, I served up a triple-whammy of dioxins through this grossly negligent behavior. 

So for all you nukers out there -- and you know who you are -- put down the plastic containers and put your food in glass like Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic. You’ll get the same results of heated food minus cancer-causing dioxin. Neat-o!

Post script:  Seems this is an email hoax that is going around and Johns Hopkins has not endorsed the content. However the US Department of Agriculture Food Safety Inspection Service does have some helpful guidelines for cooking plastics in microwave ovens. I've decided to take heed to this "warning" anyway. Plastic bottles just aren't green, and as my friends know, I'm all about going green these days.

Punchlines

What's the singular form of the word "clothes"?

Tube top.

He made me do it!

Peter Kimberly and I are new to the world of blogging. Our skepticism perhaps stems from its perceived narcissistic reflection on us as individuals or on society as a whole. But I'm over it. Let's give this thing a whirl and see what happens.

Stay tuned for more ramblings on writing, movies, music, food, finance (egads), sports and other random thoughts.

Punchlines

George turns around and reveals a knife impaled into his back. "Could you give me a hand?"

Clapping does seem unnecessarily cruel at this time.