All In

I guess you could say that I embarked on this year's NaNoWriMo with an unspoken challenge to myself. It was a notion spawned by an essay written by Benjamin Percy and in it he described writers as conservative, sparing in how they dole out ideas to certain projects, always keeping a stockpile under lock and key, saved for other projects should the time warrant.

I've never been the type of writer who has a such a stockpile, but I've also never tried putting every drop of myself and all of my best material into a story. But with this novel, I thought why not? Thirty days of writing with abandon is just the start to this and writing the first 82,000 words now has left me feeling emptied and that it would take me at least another thirty days to recover. And that's what the past five days of November have felt like, wondering whether or not I could pick this project up again when I haven't even finished it.

But then a glimmer of inspiration came to me yesterday, which indicated to me that my well of ideas have yet to be depleted, that although I felt like I had gone "all in", I still have more to give, and that maybe this is just a brief reprieve before I continue with this project at a more rational pace. So even though the month ended with a bit of a whimper, I am celebrating the process of creating.

And for the wrap-up of the final days of November:

Nov 26-27: I swear after that big push to 80K, I didn't have anything left in me. Took Friday off and even today I don't feel like there's that much fuel left. I may change my mind later tonight, but so far only logged in 1500 words. (81,777 words)

Nov 28: Another Eureka-in-the-bathtub moment… although I doubt I can pull it off, I'm pretty excited to try a little Moliere in Chapter 30, which was feeling rather stale until now. (81,829 words)

Nov 29: Deleted about 2K words and rewrote it so not making the word count progress I hoped, but I'm certainly feeling much better about several weak spots that were troubling me. Still haven't rewritten Chapter 30 because I need to take a detour and read a little Moliere first. (82,009 words)

Nov 30: Without 175,000 writers to draft along side, I'll need to set my own goals so in order to get through the rest of the novel, I'm going to commit to writing at least 1,000 words each day. It's just four new pages but will also give me time to edit as well.

Punchlines
I never knew playing darts was such a dangerous thing.
A hard pointy thing... that you use to score? Oh yeah. Danger.

Gobble, gobble

Well, I did it and just in time for turkey! Although I achieved my word count goal for NaNoWriMo for the month of November, it turns out I am far from done with the first draft. I have roughly fifteen more chapters to write which at the rate I'm going will yield a manuscript of roughly 115,000 words. I didn't think I had that many words in me, but I guess I did.

Anyway, I'm taking a break to serve food to the homeless downtown and then this afternoon, I'll prepare Thanksgiving dinner for the family at home. I am thankful for so much this year, that for once, I'm at a loss for words to share here. Much love and happiness to everyone during the holidays!

As soon as I captured this moment, I already changed the target goal to 100,000 which I hope to achieve by November 30th. It's always good to keep raising the bar, isn't it?

Here's the daily chronicle over the past few days:

Nov 22: Part of me is really wondering who's in charge: me or the muse? (70,010 words)

Nov 23: Grinded through another day. Feeling somewhat stale and spent. The A-story feels like it is heading to its natural conclusion but it's happening six chapters too soon. I need to prolong the conflict/debate a little longer. Maybe I'll spend more time on the B-story over the next few days. (73,616 words)

Nov 24: Still working on the A-story and finished up Chapter 29 which I'm pretty happy about and starting Chapter 30. (78,050 words)

Nov 25: Took a breather at the 80,000 mark to get ready to serve food to the homeless and later I'll be preparing Thanksgiving dinner at home for the fam. Have a happy turkey day everyone!!! (80,080 words)

Punchlines

In the midnight hour babe she cried more, more, more!

Well, that's all well and good. But if you've been drinking, and it's late, do not listen to anyone who encourages you to trim your pubes.

I heart DFW

During my slump last week, I spent a little time trying to get a little more grounded in the face of the doubting voices in my head that really called into question what I was trying to accomplish with this piece. And then I found this little gem which set me straight.

"I realized that the point of being post-modern or being avant garde wasn’t following a certain kind of tradition, that all that stuff is BS imposed by critics who can’t follow it afterwards, but what great artists do, and it sounds really trite to say that line. What the really great artists do is that they are entirely themselves. They’ve got their own vision, their own way of fracturing reality and if it’s authentic and true, you’ll feel it in your nerve endings." ~ David Foster Wallace

Charlie Rose interviews David Foster Wallace

The words didn't exactly pour forth easily from then on, but it did flow with purpose and I've eeked out another 15,000 words since. Here's a chronicle of the journey for the past few days:

Nov 18: Even though I wrote a couple pages this morning, I plan to take the rest of the day off to recharge so that I can tackle a full day of writing tomorrow. (56,370 words)

Nov 19: A change of scenery helped a little today. I went to Café Amandine and parked myself there for a couple hours despite having only had less than four hours of sleep. Powered through Chapter 23 after skipping over Chapters 21 and 22… Not sure if I like them very much and will have to think about that particular subplot later when my mind is fresh. (59,050 words)

Nov 20: Once again skipped over a tricky subplot comprising Chapter 24 to focus on the A-story and fleshed out Chapter 25. This is one of those days where I feel like the novel is becoming quite a pastiche of incongruous ideas. (62,415 words)

Nov 21: Chapter 25 is turning into an interesting metafictional piece that may draw too much attention to itself. Hopefully I can keep most of this and not be forced back into conventional storytelling with this one. (65,010 words)

Punchlines

Twelve inches ago, I could have helped you. Twelve inches ago, something could be done, but now I'm afraid it's too late.

Sometimes, it's more than a foot that can come between two people.

Mash-ups

I'll have to thank my friend Shannon for getting me on the Glee bandwagon. They've actually done a phenomenal job introducing the world to mash-ups, something that I had discovered a couple years ago when my friend Pete who's a disc jockey gave me a copy of his mash-ups. It's the musical equivalent of being able to have fries and onion rings. This mash-up brings Singin' in the Rain together with Umbrella.

From a literary perspective, I've used the mash-up equivalent a lot in my own writing. Luscious Dumplings was a parody of the final court room drama in A Few Good Men but twisted up because I cast a celebrity chef in place of Colonel Jessup. Mash-ups are just the perfect amount of surprise and comic delight that comes from writing punch lines and sometimes it's the collision of disparate ideas that really can create some imaginative material.

Speaking of which, here's the latest daily update on my NaNoWriMo progress:

Nov 15: 5K sprints for three days in a row is a little nutty. Chapter 17 is shaping up nicely and I'm a little anxious to get to the midpoint when the story really starts to take off. (50,110 words)

Nov 16: What an emotional let down after that push to 50K. I need to stay focused on pushing along at least 3K per day for the rest of the month. Also need to find some other writers I can draft along side so I don't lose the competitive edge. Chapter 18 and 19 need a little more girth, too. (52,925 words)

Nov 17: My early morning writing produced probably the most enjoyable 750 words since the beginning of this manuscript. It's the last 750 words of Chapter 19. I'm torn between wanting to go back to the first chapter and begin rewriting with this same voice and to keep it consistent versus pushing forward with the second half, complete that, and then go back to the beginning. Even if I don't reach 80K, by the end of the month, I think I'll be better off crafting the story that doesn't make me cringe. If I produce no more than 750 words each day similar to this then I'd be a proud writer. (55,070 words)

Punchlines

Dear Abby, Lately I've been craving a glimpse of daylight. Just a brief moment once every couple of years. Is that too much to ask?

Yes. Next?

Uluru Redux

Ah, here we are in Uluru again. For those who haven't sojourned through this treacherous wasteland in the middle of Australia, I must caution you. It is not for the feint of heart. Make sure to pack supplies including a map, compass and two tons of caffeine. Well, maybe something lighter than that. It is after all 1,752 miles from Sydney. Since I am in Uluru once again, this could mean only one thing. That I am deep, deep, deep in the middle of novelling this month. So how is it going?

Well, true to my Type A nature, I've been keeping track of a variety of statistics along this journey called NaNoWriMo. Friends could hardly expect less from me, so I wouldn't want to disappoint them. For those visually inclined, I have a dashboard that updates all of the relevant stats on a daily and project basis.

Exhibit 1.

This tracks my overall progress toward achieving 80,000 words, where I am today, how many words on average I've written per day or per hour as well as how much far I have left to go. The good news is that at my current rate, I am tracking towards completing 80,000 words in time for Thanksgiving! Gobble, gobble.

Exhibit 2.

This second chart shows the slow and steady march toward 80,000 words along with my mood swings. After a couple of off days from the 10th through the 12th which I describe below, it feels like I'm back in the swing of things.

Nov 11: I need to go back to the basics with the inherent conflict and motivations of each character, especially the hero's. (32,018 words)

Nov 12: More of the same. Just feels like I'm going through the motions and I'm hoping tomorrow - without the pressure of having to reach word count minimums - that I can rework passages with more heart. (35,300 words)

Nov 13: hahaha - I rocked the wordcount today and really constructed some great scenes. Still leaving some juice for tomorrow and hope for another monster day. (40,090 words)

Nov 14: Really excited about how Chapter 15 and 16 are coming along and it feels like I've hit the equivalent of a runner's high. At the same time, I can't believe I have 8K words left before I reach the midpoint of the story. Yikes. (45,090 words)

Punchlines

Remember: A frown is just a smile upside down, always split pairs, and I before E except after C.

Dreamy

OMG what a fantastic performance of Teenage Dream this week! Such a breath of fresh air. This one is going on heavy rotation until my ears bleed.

And for those following along, here are some quick updates including an excerpt available for a limited time on NaNoWriMo:

Nov 6: Had fun taking a novel-related detour researching both the history of television in America as well as the history of written languages. Completed writing about my portal to the fantasy world and ended it with a snowball fight. What could be better? (16,435 words)

Nov 7: Weaving subplots within the narrative is starting to get tricky, especially staying on track with the internal journey of the hero. There are too many interesting external dynamics playing out that it seems "louder" somehow. (20,180 words)

Nov 8: Hit a really boring transitional section today so the wordcount slowed. Will probably need to rewrite it to make it more meaningful to the hero. But all is not lost, I came up with a pretty cool device that's relevant, if not a bit sci-fi-ish. Hope to make that part stick. (23,025 words)

Nov 9: Eureka in the bathtub moment in Chapter 9 which was a lot of fun to write. Chapter 10/11 didn't have enough story based on the outline so I had to combine those two chapters and split up Chapter 2 which was too long anyway. (27,201 words)

Nov 10: The early Act 2 chapters are becoming a major problem for me. There's not enough conflict and so I struggle with accelerating reveals from later chapters into these early sections. Perhaps a complicating subplot is in order. It's going to be a low-output day unless I skip ahead and work on a different chapter. (29,227 words)

Punchlines

CORNER CHICKEN SUIT DANCER: So I've been doin this gig for a month now...It's pretty cool.

HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL DEAN: Congratulations. You're now qualified to run Goldman Sachs.

NaNoWriMo

It's that time of year again, when 179,o00 enthusiasts embark on a new writing adventure called NaNoWriMo. This year I was a little reticent in participating until a friend posed the question after signing up herself. I really had not given it that much thought at that point and with tepid agreement, I hedged and said that if I could come up with an idea then I would.

A few weeks later after reading a couple novels and getting back into the rhythm of writing prose with my experimental short story Charm of Ivanhoe, I returned to this question. After a bit of brainstorming, I decided to write an urban fantasy in the vein of The Eyre Affair meets Back to the Future.

Living with the Cosby's

When a young boy immigrates to the land of opportunity, he discovers that life in America is fraught with greater moral peril than his native village in India. With no one to turn to for help, he escapes to TV Land only to discover he is now trapped living with the Cosby’s.

Unlike last year, I spent a few weeks outlining the story beats and then fleshing out the chapter outlines. This pre-work resulted in about a 40-page outline compared to Seasons of Conflict's 3-page outline. I'll let you know thirty-days from now whether extensive preparation served me well or not. So far, the first week has been productive, largely because I committed to a 5K Day One dash to build a sufficient cushion. I achieved that goal just barely, but I'm glad that I did. I don't feel as anxious if I decide to take an evening off here and there to be a normal person.

Here are my daily thoughts on the first week:

Nov 1: Pacing of Chapter 1 and 2 seems to be loose. I'm letting language and atmosphere take over rather than be overly concerned about reaching plot turns within 400-500 words. (5,045 words)

Nov 2: Had a really slow start in the morning, spending too much time re-reading passages written on Day 1. Worried about too much exposition in Chapter 2. Chapter 2 feels like it can easily stretch into twice the length given so much material to cover. This is turning into a 120,000-word novel at the rate of 3,000 words per chapter. (7,202 words)

Nov 3: Did a little bit better in the morning, but not strong enough IMO. Made up for it at lunchtime and felt good enough tonight to sprint to 10K. Still feeling good about the storyline and solved my “moral peril” issue and decided against writing about a meth lab in favor of euthanasia which feels more organic to the story. (10,020 words)

Nov 4: Seriously feeling like Chapter 4 is a little light on story. It needs to be more complex but I think it struggles because the action is too rushed and urgent. And the euthanasia argument needs to be recast in a more dynamic way. Maybe have him argue with his Uncle instead of doing research. (12,500 words)

Nov 5: Resolved it by making it into a philosophical debate. Now I need more action, maybe a physical confrontation to serve as a metaphor to convey the internal struggle he is facing. (13,400 words)

Punchlines

You know, I'm getting real frickin' tired of this. I mean, one, maybe two times I can give it a pass. It's just annoying. Then I mean. However, I really can't let this go this time without saying something. So let this be your final warning...

No hand-to-hand combat before breakfast and absolutely no decapitations until the back nine. Comprende?

Charm of Ivanhoe

My latest short story is about a drifter who, when he discovers that his mother is dying, abandons the search for his neglectful father and hitchhikes home to square accounts. The theme and tone was inspired by this song.

"Something Pretty" by Patrick Park

Here I am, where I've been
I've walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.

I was a dumb punk kid with nothing to lose
And too much weight for walking shoes.
I could have died from being boring.
As for loneliness,
She greets me every morning.

At the most I'm a glare,
I'm the hopeless son who's hardly there.
I'm the open sign that's always busted.
I'm the friend you need, but can't be trusted.

At the most I'm a glare,
I'm the hopeless son who's hardly there.
I'm the open sign that's always busted.
I'm the friend you need, but can't be trusted.

Here I am, where I've been
I've walked a hundred miles in tobacco skin,
And my clothes are worn & gritty.
And I know ugliness,
Now show me something pretty.

At the most I'm a glare,
I'm the hopeless son who's hardly there.
I'm the open sign that's always busted.
I'm the friend you need, but can't be trusted.

At the most I'm a glare,
I'm the hopeless son who's hardly there.
I'm the open sign that's always busted.
I'm the friend you need, but can't be trusted.

Punchlines

Strange ingredients can be a pleasant surprise. I would therefore always encourage experimentation when vacationing abroad! Case in point...? Absolutely THE best dish I ever tasted happened to be coconut baby oil while I was stranded on an island for three years.

(murmur in background)

What do you mean they serve other food in Manhattan?!

Amazon First Round

The hopes of roughly 8,000 people will be dashed today when the Amazon.com Break-through Novel Award make their announcement. Only 2,000 entries will move to the second round based on 300-word pitches. The evaluation is not made on the manuscript itself, but on the strength of the pitch, the originality of the idea and the quality of the writing of the pitch.

Tension is building on the forums, as no one quite knows whether the announcement will be made via email or appear on the website itself. 

Many are holding vigil, clicking on the refresh button every few minutes. Others are patiently scheduling their visits every four hours. 

Still others are convinced this year email notifications will go out on this day. But if the past is any indication, that wait may last four or five days. 

While some are participating in a virtual party as they wait, others are sharing their coping plans; chocolate and Thai food seem to be in favor as well as excessive drinking. 

While waiting, I've been playing with word clouds (see above). I haven't quite decided on my plans for today other than lunch. Thai seems like a good idea.

Punchlines

Will you please sign my petition? I'm collecting signatures for...

...my priest. He wants to get reinstated but the parents weren't too pleased with his oral performance.

The boys were, however.

Courtesy Laugh

No wonder comedy on TV isn't funny. It's not meant to be, according to this segment on NPR with veteran TV writer and producer Rob Long.

Punchlines

Dear Abby: Everyone seems to be breathing down my neck to make a decision. It's a lot of pressure, and I know a bomb will explode if I make a mistake. Not a literal bomb, but a real one. So I need your help. Which wire do I cut?

Look lady... If you have the time to write a letter, stamp it, and take it to the mail box, and you think that I will receive it, answer it, and it somehow beats out all the other 47 letters that I receive each week... if you think that you will still have time for all that to happen and you read this article and whatever... and you STILL have time to weigh whether my advice is credible and discuss it with your coworkers and what not... fogettaboutit... your bomb done exploded already. Figuratively speaking of course.

Kansei Inai

In the midst of my writing deadline, I managed to squeeze out a 6-page script about a vampire. I'm not a fan of horror in general, and I really couldn't bring myself to pen a horror script. The best I could muster up was a noir action comedy about a Yakuza vampire who wants to escape a joyless life.

The current draft is available for review for a limited time on Trigger Street.

Punchlines

A quick travel tip: Don't visit Brazil during Feb-early March because that's the season when...

...natives don't wax.

Seasons of Conflict

Finally, I've come out of my little writing cave and have emerged triumphant with a solid draft of a novel I wrote during Nanowrimo last year.

For those interested in reading it, the manuscript is available on Trigger Street and an excerpt will be available on Amazon.com beginning February 25th.

Title: Seasons of Conflict

Genre: YA Adventure/Mythology

Logline: A young Titan god struggles to keep his family together after his mother dies at the hands of mercenaries during the Tiberian conflict.

Synopsis:

For sixteen-year-old Helios who couldn’t find his own magical powers in an empty jar, his once idyllic life as the son of Titan gods vanishes on the eve of his sister’s wedding: a renegade gnome flees from his clan to warn the Titans about the disappearance of the legendary elixir of life.

One day later, the wedding day turns into a bloodbath and his mother dies at the hand of mercenaries. While his domineering father obsesses over recovering the elixir of life, Helios must choose whether to dutifully obey his father’s wishes or avenge his mother’s death.

But when the mercenaries return to abduct his twin sister Selene, he rebels against his father and joins forces with mythical creatures as he travels across the treacherous lands of ancient Macedonia to rescue her. Eventually, his increasingly erratic father discovers his disappearance and punishes Helios for his duplicity.

Days pass. Weeks pass. Months pass and Selene, abandoned by her family, harnesses all of her fury to exact revenge on her father who refused to negotiate for her safe return. But when the moment for revenge materializes, her captor steals the opportunity from her. Selene’s insatiable rage propels her to hunt down her brother instead and virtually nothing can stop her as her physical and magical powers have grown stronger.

When Helios comes close to discovering the truth about the elixir of life and who is ultimately behind its disappearance, he is forced to test his fledgling magical skills battling Selene. Although both become mortally wounded, Helios dives at the chance to save the world rather than save his own life. The primordial gods reward his selfless act of compassion by joining in to avert the destruction of the world.

Let the bidding war begin!

Punchlines

I bought one of those alarm clocks that generates sea, wind and jungle sounds. Trouble is, when the damn thing went off at 6 am yesterday, I was dreaming and...

...forgot to turn off the feature: Roaring Jungle Cat.

ABNA

At a post-New Year's dinner party, someone asked me what were my New Year's resolutions this year. I sized up her question and replied, "At this point in my life, what is there left to improve upon?" I was kidding, of course, but to be honest, I was stumped so I made one up on the spot.

Since picking up writing in full force, I have realized the value of setting goals and challenging yourself. So my next challenge will be to see something that I've written published, be it a short story in a magazine or a novel (gasp) published, marketed and distributed in bookstores.

All this is to say, I've been busy and haven't posted a blog in quite some time. Currently, I'm deep in editing mode on Seasons of Conflict, the first draft of which I had written during the Nanowrimo contest in November, 2009. Well, I'm turning that puppy into a few competitions this year, the first of which is the Amazon.com Breakthrough Novel Award. Hopefully, they won't think it's a dog.

It's good to set goals, I think, even at this stage in my life.

Punchlines

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy, "Do you see what I see?"

The shepherd boy replied, "Of course, I can see what you see. I'm a proud Welshman after all..."

Christmas Hamm

It's been years since I've been to Filene's Basement or lived in Boston. Anyway as I was doing research on the Christmas Hamm story, I was a little sad to discover that the original Downtown Crossing location had been closed. So as a result, I suppose this story serves a few purposes: to memorialize my love for bacon and to bid farewell to a Boston shopping tradition.

Punchlines

Dear A'bay: Don't you think it's a little early for radio stations to start playing carols this season?

Not at all. It's after Thanksgiving, we're just a couple weeks again from Christmas and Tiger gets to play with Carols everywhere, regardless of the season. So lighten up there, Scrooge.

Read the labels

These days, dating like grocery shopping involves a lot of reading. The love of your life is rarely content to just be, and instead, should include dozens of labels designating him/her as NATURAL, ORGANIC or the dreaded CAGE-FREE. And even if you know your CERTIFIED from your HUMANELY-RAISED lovers, odds are you still need a PhD to decode most of the other language. So, to make navigating your love life on dating websites a tad easier, here are these labels, defined and explained in terms understandable to humans.

ALL-NATURAL / NATURAL / 100% NATURAL

What it means: In regards to women, NATURAL means the body appears relatively close to its natural state, and often won’t have additives like silicon implants, Botox or pacemakers.

What it really means: With the exception of women, slapping NATURAL on a man is a marketing ploy. Everything about a man essentially derives from nature, so there’s a ton of fudging that can be done. Don’t trust the label, and read every look, grunt and scowl before you date.

CAGE-FREE

What it means: Homeless

What it really means: These people are completely deluded and walk around completely psychotic.

CERTIFIED

What it means: Congratulations! Ex-lovers have acknowledged that your choice is actually worthy of dating.

What it really means: Ex-lovers gave your paramour a grade and a class, and certified that he/she hasn’t been replaced with a billy goat.

ENRICHED / FORTIFIED (Added, Extra, Plus)

What it means: A nutrient (steroid, andro, Viagra, etc.) has been added to your lover. Now, compared to a standard, non-fortified lover, he has at least 10% more of the Daily Value of that nutrient.

What it really means: It varies. A lover can add a ton of Cialis to his game, and set you up for life. Or the same guy can slip a measly 10% andro into his workout, and it barely makes a dent. Read the label to see you’re getting the amount you want.

FREE-RANGE

What it means: A term usually applied to women or as they say in the U.K., birds. FREE-RANGE means birds have access to an outside area. That’s it.

What it really means: Essentially, FREE-RANGE often means birds are raised in a convent, and given a tiny patch of lawn that they rarely, if ever, use. The FREE-RANGE label means virtually their whole lives they have had no human contact. Not even down there.

FRESH

What it means: Pretty much, FRESH men and women are raw and untouched. They have never been frozen by icy stares or warmed by flattery. They also don’t have any preservatives.

What it really means: Hey! This is an actual thing! Who knew? A person labeled FRESH is just about as interesting as belly lint, which is surprisingly not fresh. You pretty much get what you expect. Nice.

GRAIN FED / GRASS FED

What it means: Grain is the primary diet of most Americans. It’s meant to produce fatter people who grow and can be laughed at much faster than nature allows. GRASS FED people (while I’m not sure there’s an official designation) are generally raised entirely on pasture grass, and are also called potheads.

What it really means: While I’m led to believe GRASS FED people are a better lay, I’m actually a little hazy on this one. Can anyone clarify?

GUILT-FREE (Wholesome, Traditional)

What it means: Absolutely nothing.

What it really means: It’s a made-up word to make you want to go on a first date with GUILT-FREE guys. Ignore this category of person entirely.

HEALTHY

What it means: Simply, “A HEALTHY lover must be low in fat and contain limited amounts of neuroses and psychoses.”

What it really means: Wow. As in the case with FRESH, I didn’t know this was an actual thing. I assumed it was a spurious claim made by parents. But it’s actually very real, and leaves little open to interpretation.

HORMONE-FREE

What it means: Nothing. Based on my experience, it can’t be proved.

What it really means: Men and women are supposed to have hormones anyway, so be on the lookout if they claim they don’t.

HUMANELY-RAISED

What it means: In regard to lovers for which it’s meant, almost nothing. It’s not a regulated definition.

What it really means: While there’s some effort by smaller groups to get standards together, it’s not completely there yet. In the meantime, look for the HEALTHY or 100% NATURAL label, which means the people “were allowed to engage in natural behaviors,” had room to move around, had fresh water and a no-hormone/antibiotic diet, and were handled with care during their lives.

LEAN

What it means: LEAN means the guy has less than 10% body fat; women, less than 15%. EXTRA LEAN people go even further than that.

What it really means: I did a lot of research on this a few months ago, and while boobage and butt sizes vary, a LEAN label is good news for anyone other than Sir Mix-a-lot. Look for it, but be careful to check the psychosis content while you’re at it. Some of them could be marathoners and have no time for you.

LIGHT / LITE

What it means: There are two definitions: A) the woman has 50% less fat than her regular equivalent, or B) the guy has 33% less staying power than his regular equivalent.

What it really means: These paramours may be a better choice than their full-fat or full-power version, but it’s not necessarily healthy.

NO ADDED SUGAR

What it means: Women haven’t put any additional sugar to coat their lies.

What it really means: There still may be artificial sweeteners or naturally occurring sugars within their lies. They just don’t need extra sweetness.

NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS, FLAVORS OR PRESERVATIVES

What it means: Your paramour is made entirely from natural ingredients.

What it really means: Well, it depends on your definition of “natural.” Is teeth bleaching natural or anal bleaching, for that matter? What about the Botox around her eyes or his calf lifts? If a date is enriched with more Viagra, does that count? While this label points towards good things, a quick scan of the ingredient list will tell you everything you need to know.

ORGANIC (100% Organic, Made with organic ingredients)

What it means: There are entire books written on the topic, but it boils down to this: 100% ORGANIC people consist entirely of soylent green.

What it really means: Hoo boy. Here we go. The word “organic” is thrown around with some regularity, but parents and ex-lovers never certified that it’s any healthier than ol’ processed people. The label doesn’t guarantee any regulation as fruits and nuts may vary. However, it seems like a general consensus that organic people may be better for you. Proceed with caution.

And that's a wrap. Go forth and love discriminately.

POST SCRIPT. I was so inspired by the silliness of these label designations that I wrote a short story today, also entitled "Read the Labels." Enjoy!

Punchlines

Heidi-ho neighbor! Say... Martha and I were wondering... Are you going to be raking up those leaves in your yard anytime soon?

Just as soon as you leash your Rottweilers, neighbor.

Final stretch

Yesterday morning, I woke up to discover that my laptop had fallen into a coma. Despite all of my attempts to revive it, nada. So while this set back could have spelled disaster for this particular project, I had (luckily) gotten into the habit of emailing drafts to myself each day, so I did not lose any momentum.  This afternoon my laptop will undergo surgery; the prognosis is uncertain at the moment, but I am hoping for a speedy recovery. 

In the meanwhile, I am limping along on a temporary computer and have just completed writing the final remaining chapters in the novel. At just over 44,000 words, the outline is fully-fleshed out and the first draft of the novel is basically done. 

Cause for celebration, right? Not so fast. I need to come up with 6,000 additional words to meet the minimum 50,000-word requirement of nanowrimo. For those who are keeping track, this is about 30 pages of filler.

What to do? My options would include the following:

• add epic battle scenes filled with carnage and gore
  
• describe forests in such excruciating detail down to kingdom, phylum, class, etc.
  
• introduce more characters and complexity to the plot, only to purge them once they have served their purpose
  
• insert footnotes detailing the genealogy of each character (inserting 'begat' in every third word )
• write lyrics and have my characters spontaneously burst into song
  

And even though I am tempted to begin rewriting this novel, I am advised by published authors to abstain. Again, this is unchartered territory for me. Any advice?

Hey, would anybody like to know the color of the hem of the hero's garment during a battle?

I didn't think so.

Punchlines

Wow! Is that Mr. Rogers in your neighborhood? That is so cool...

...that he's updated his knitted sweater look for a Snuggie and a pair of Uggs.

Uluru

During NaNoWriMo, the organizers have arranged for published authors to write weekly pep talks that are emailed to participants. I find these pretty helpful, because here are people who know exactly what you're going through keeping you company and giving just the right dose of advice and wisdom to take you through your next 1,000 words.

Take for example the week 2 email from Maureen Johnson. She started her email talking about Australia, and how she's never been, always wanted to go, the fact that her friend has been trying to get her to go, etc. Of course, I'm thinking, "What does this have to do with writing? Doesn't she realize I don't have time for chit chat about travels?" But I bite my tongue and continue reading, only to discover that she is setting up Australia or more specifically Australia's geography as a metaphor for writing a novel.

You see, almost everything that's fun and exciting about Australia is located on the coasts. The novel equivalent of that is the beginning and the end. Once you wander past the city limits and the signposts disappear, the vast middle of Australia consists of poisonous snakes, sudden weather changes, and virtually no end in sight. It is a hard place to be. This is where Uluru is located, in the middle of the vast Middle of Australia and where I currently am in the writing process, which is where in fact 95% of a writer's time is spent... in the vast stinking Middle.

What's nice about NaNoWriMo is that at least I'm traveling with a posse of thousands, making our way through mountains, through the valleys, across the creeks, and fighting the beasties. And then I soon discovered that every day presents a new way of looking at my novel, a new adventure for the hero, a twist, a turn, and unexpected possibilities for my story. There are good days and there are bad days, as you can see below.

But in the end, I'm taking each day at a time. Taking each 1,000-word goal at a time, and embracing all that this process has to offer. Here are the chronicles of the past few days.

Nov 12: Once again, fell behind as life got in the way. There weren't any scenes that I could jump into quickly. (19,698 words)

Nov 13: After procrastinating a little this morning, I knocked out a great battle scene in the water. Hoping at least for an opportunity to put some more writing in at lunch. (21,429 words)

Nov 14: Getting a lot more fight scenes done, which I didn't expect I would enjoy. Need to get 3,500 words done today just to catch up. Goal is to get to 25,000 words today. Ugh. Just thinking about it 1,000 words at a time. (25,032 words)

Nov 15: Finally relaxing into the story and hoping there's enough complexity in the remaining chapters to keep the story interesting. Discovered that I shortchanged some prior chapters so I will definitely need to expand on some of them further. (27,158)

Nov 16: A cooking project sidetracked me this morning, so I only got an hour in this morning. This will require a big push tonight to make sure I stay on track. Did not get far at night. FAIL (27,897 words)

Nov 17: Goal is to get to 30,000 words today. It is strangely surreal to write when you're half asleep. Then to wake up and see what you typed in your stupor - fascinating! (30,095 words)

Nov 18: I'm seriously wondering if this story is too complex. Will probably also need to add more memorable settings as there seems to be too many generic mountains, forests and tunnels described, which could be confusing. (31,760 words)

Punchlines

You know, it's moments like these that I'm reminded of Cardinal Richelieu and his immortal words...

"I think we can settle this matter with a little tonsil hockey, don't you?"

Steady as she goes

Thought I'd give a little status update on the novel. It's been a roller coaster. I started out a little bit ahead of the daily word count minimum 1,667 words, but then fell behind which put the pressure on the weekend to make up for the slack. This week seems to be about the same, but it is something to claim having written 100 pages of anything 11 days. I kept a little log with some random thoughts each day as I concluded writing that day.

Nov 1: Feels like I can keep writing, but I want to save some excitement for tomorrow. Added some characters I didn't think I would, but not straying too far away from the plot. (2,080 words)

Nov 2: Half way through, the story is taking on added layers of complexity which is very cool. I have to stop now in the morning before work. Hopefully I can get some writing in at the office. Lots of OTN dialog which I hate. (4,186 words)

Nov 3: I should create more drama with the climactic death of Theia. The aftermath is a bit boring, but it helps to introduce the other Titans which I originally didn't think would play a significant role in this story. That's kinda cool. (5,761 words)

Nov 4: Work was super busy and I only had 3 hours of sleep. I squeezed in a couple hours at the office. The plot is expanding within the outline and I still haven't gotten to the Act 1 break. (7,509 words)

Nov 5: Ran out of time at work. Hate being behind now. (8,202 words)

Nov 6: Got a decent amount of writing in, but none of it feels good. A lot of scenes seem functional and I am introducing some story elements that don't make sense relative to the overall plot. (10,227 words)

Nov 7: Well, I don't hate it yet. There are some interesting arguments going on and I'm starting to get some of the stories back on track. Just need to keep focusing on writing two pages per beat and then move on. Just need to trust the outline. (12,054 words)

Nov 8: I am going to give in to the fact that this first draft will be really rough and a lot of things won't make sense. So I will have to refrain from overthinking things and worry about all of that in the editing phase. (14,044 words)

Nov 9: Got through a love scene that went by quickly and almost too easily. May need to tone it down depending on how this book will be marketed. Feels good to be back on schedule. (16,096 words)

Nov 10: Feeling good. Took care of a nagging plothole with a great torture scene that also revealed character. Love it! (17,461 words)

Nov 11: Really fleshed out some problem areas to smooth things over. Some interesting character development. Love when I get into a roll. (19,096 words)

Punchlines

"Take no prisoners!" He kept saying over and over to me. I understood what he meant, of course, but it didn't make any sense when all we were doing was...

...getting to fourth base in the back of his Miata.

NaNoWriMo

Each November for the past 11 years, a little non-profit organization has held a contest for all budding writers worldwide who are in desperate need of a kick in the pants to finish the greatest novel of our generation. Last year over 119,300 writers generated over 1.6 billion words during 30 days and 30 nights of literary abandon. Of those participating last year, 21,683 completed the minimum requirement of 50,000 words. This year, I will be jumping into the madness with a dramatic, epic novel with multiple storylines set in the times of ancient Greece.

  

Title: Seasons of Conflict

Genre: Fantasy

Synopsis: Helios struggles to keep his family together after his mother dies at the hands of Vesper during the Tiberian war.

Yes, there will be nymphs and goddesses. Yes, there will be alchemy and magic. Really there will be something for everyone! While I've written screenplays with multiple storylines before, plotting a novel that is literally twice the length of material that I am accustomed to writing (200 pages for a short novel vs. 100 pages for a screenplay) is proving to be a challenge. I'm not yet confident that a single plotline will hold enough interest for me to write let alone for an audience to read, and so I decided to tell four interweaving stories. 

Everyone has their own writing process, but I thought I would share mine. It's an electronic version of organizing a story with the use of scene cards. Across the top of the chart are each of the chapters, of which there are twelve. Below each of the chapters are the three acts to occur within. Each act has its own progression with every chapter ending with some sort of cliffhanger in the final scene. 

The main plot (A-story) is denoted by yellow scenes which primarily follows the arc of the hero. The B-story highlighted in green follows the villain. The outline is not yet complete and may not be by the time I begin to write on Sunday. This is a by-product of running out of time but also wanting to allow for creativity to occur during the process and not wanting the entire exercise to be writing scenes to connect the dots. I will likely write the first chapter in sequence and then write the rest out of sequence depending on which characters come to life and which scenes I am drawn to. With over 100 scene cards, I suspect I will be writing about 2 pages per scene, which is a pretty fast clip to move the characters through the scenes. 

I'm nervous and excited to get underway. I'll be back at the end of November with a link to the final product. 

Punchlines

So my hero in this story is kind of an alcoholic, smokes a lot. He's a Private Eye and he's got this once-in-a-lifetime case to solve for a wealthy attractive widow. However, I'm thinking this is all very cliche. So to make it fresh, to have us see something we've never seen before in a screenplay, I want to...

...have it all take place on a blimp. Yeah, I think that'll sell.

Slate

The following story has been submitted to the 2009 Slate short story competition.

It cracks me up every time I watch the cooking channel, and there’s some crazy BBQ contest winner gloating over his secret recipe. Some guy will go on and on about a dry rub that’s been passed on to him by his grandma, or another will be standing next to a smoker the size of a mac truck, but I know what’s what. Any recipe can be deconstructed to reveal its secret, and any guy with a smoker is compensating for something less in his life. 

What these cooks won’t divulge is what I’ve learned through practiced hands, glazing thousands of pounds of ribs and chicken in search of the perfect bite. Perfection is achieved when you create the exact ratio of sauce to meat. What cooks don’t understand about the science of taste is made up by relying on dry rubs and smokers. But they always fail. 

So when Aunt Mae passed on and left me this unassuming brush – this brush that I had seen her apply to Sunday dinner BBQs when I was growing up – I knew I had magic. Its ability to absorb sauce and then apply a consistent layer onto the meat is without equal. 

Each application of sauce is, in a word, perfect, making each bite that you take, sublime. 

There’s never been another one like it and it’s a shame not to keep it in the family. But you know how it is with kids these days: always wanting store-bought shiny things, even though they break after a week. No, I think it’s time. The brush belongs in a good home with a good family with good taste buds. 

Punchlines

"How many Western Double Angus Mushroom Cheddar Bacon Avacado Mushroom Cheddar burgers is it safe to eat for breakfast?"...

...asked the patient to the nurse, who replied, "Seriously?"